2021.

 2021. The year everyone was hoping would be substantially better than 2020. We made it 6 days. 

Due to the big ideas I had for 2020 and that turning awful....I'm focusing my 2021 energy on something else. Things I can control. For instance, in 2020 I turned 29. I wanted to have a huge party that was 1920s themed and ring in the last year of my roaring 20s in a bomb flapper costume that I would look SO good in. However, for my 29th birthday I had a nice, quiet dinner with a close friend and was home before 9pm. I really am not looking forward to turning 30 this year. Which I know isn't THAT big of a deal. I mean it's 30. But, I had big plans for my 20s and the majority of them didn't happen. I figured that by now I'd be married and maybe have a kid..or adopted a kid. I'd have my dream job. I'd just be killing it at life. 

I figured out a long time ago that those plans weren't going to play out the way I wanted them to. I mean honestly, 17 year old Kymber read Breaking Dawn 20 million times because Edward Cullen was the ideal man. Flash forward to 29 year old Kymber and I almost threw up typing that sentence. So the same goals 17 year old me had for when I turned 30 are not the same goals and dreams 29 year old me has. Weird how life works out, huh? 

My goals have always varied over the years. But, I also wanted to get skinny. That was my goal. Get skinny and someone will love me. I wanted a quick fix to a lifelong problem and that's not a thing. I'd tell myself if only I looked like so and so, I would be happy. If only I wore these size clothes, I will be happy. And last year after spending most of the year alone with my dog...it really made me look inside myself. A friend once told me no matter the weight I lost, it won't make me happy. It didn't make him happy when he had "the perfect male body." And I kind of thought about that...and agreed to an extent. But being alone last year really hit home with that idea. If I want to be happy I need to love who I am at any weight. And let me tell you what....I'm pretty freaking awesome. My personality is like a 9/10. I'm a firm believer there is always room for improvement and I am constantly learning how to be a better person. So that's why I'm not a 10/10. ;P Even though 2020 wasn't the best year...it helped me work on myself mentally. And 2021 is the year I'm going to work on myself physically. And maybe ring in my 30s with a 1920s themed party. 

Part of my goals for 2021 is also trying to focus on things that make me happy. Whether that be updating this blog more or different ways to write. I mean I'm a published author. I've helped write press releases and interviewed musicians...ones I know...but still counts. I put together the company newsletter at my job...I just miss that aspect of college. Writing. I think I'm pretty good at it. But, I don't think I'm creative enough to write a book....unless it's a book on how trash dating is or how annoying hook up culture is when you don't want a random hook up. I'm not sure that would be interesting enough to write an entire book on...or at least one that I'm writing. I've been thinking about this for a few months...and then a friend of mine from my teenage years completely redid her company. She started this AMAZING accessory store a few years ago and it's been amazing. Last week she announced that it is now going to primarily be a MAGAZINE. How awesome is that? Seriously. She's chasing her dreams and killing it. Lily, if you're reading this...I'm so inspired to follow my dreams more. So, here's to being a freelance writer, maybe? Not for the Rozie June magazine. This isn't me shooting my shot to be in that....it just made me realize that I've got to be better at following my dreams. 

A musician friend of mine once told me that I needed to believe in myself...because nobody else would. Telling people how talented I am at something doesn't get me anywhere. I have to believe I can do it and follow through. I've wanted to do a Birmingham music scene blog...and I started one...and got busy and it didn't go anywhere. I need to focus on what I want to do and how to do it. 

Here's to 2021...the year to start chasing your dreams and following through. If you don't believe in yourself, who will? 

Stay safe. Wear a mask. Wash your hands. 

Treat people with kindness. 

XO

Kymber. 

Lowkey F 2020.

 Whoa. It has been a CRAZY weird year you guys. I had such high hopes at the start of the year. I was a red head, pushed outside of my comfort zone and I was feeling myself. Fast forward to the middle of March and everything was shut down. I was deemed an essential worker, so I still went to work my usual schedule and face masks became a thing. I have told SO many people how much I really like their masks....because it's now a fun way to mix up your outfits. 

I've known people that have gotten COVID-19....I've known people that have died from it. It's a serious issue. I hope if you are reading this you're doing your best to keep the people you love, and yourself, safe. In order to keep myself and my loved ones safe, I have been social distant....for MONTHS. It's really been hard on my mental health. I thought I was doing pretty good...and then one day I ended up at Nick's grave having a mental breakdown. -_- Please take care of not only your physical health, but your mental health during this time too. It's just as important. 

So, I've seen this trend on TikTok about how your 17 year old self would feel about who you are now. I really thought about that...17 year old me would not be impressed. I had big dreams for myself by 29. I wrote a list of things I wanted to do by the time I turned 30...some of them are done...most of them are not. Also, I must have thought I'd be like a millionaire by the time I was 30 because I wanted to go to the Super Bowl and a college national championship game...and things I couldn't ever think about affording at the moment. Which, is fine. I'm not upset about not being able to go to those things. I just wish some of the other things on that list were done...the more personal items. But, here I am...still trying to figure things out. Life is just SO much harder than I would have ever thought 12 years ago. I just wish I would have been better prepared for what was coming my way. 

On a sad note....about a month ago a friend of mine announced that his nephew had passed away unexpectedly. Oof. A friend of his sister's had started a GoFundMe type page to raise money for the funeral. That brought back a lot of memories I haven't thought about in years. The pain of going through something that you never thought would happen to you or your family...the kindness of strangers helping pay for a funeral you shouldn't have to plan. I checked that fundraiser multiple times a day...donated as much as I could...reached out to my friend, and his sister, that I've never met, and cried for the loss of their loved one. I just wanted to give them both giant hugs and cry with them. Thankfully, that fundraiser raised over twice as much as they were trying to get. I really wish there was something more I could have done for them. But, knowing that I could share the fundraiser and donate...to help reduce the financial burden/stress...I felt that it was not only a way to help their family, but a way for me to pay it forward from the kindness that had been shown to my family. Thank you to everyone that shared my posts and/or donated. 

Tell the people you love that you love them every day. Take risks. Pushing your limits can be scary...and even though things haven't gone my way this year...at all...I'm glad I've been able to push out of my comfort zone. I saw this poster that said "Your comfort zone will kill you." Wow. I felt personally attacked. Don't get stuck in your comfort zone...you never know what you'll miss out on. 

I now have a list of things to do by the time I turn 30 next year. (I think I just threw up in my mouth.) Thanks to a day out with my 13 year old niece and some of her suggestions...this is a list I will be able to realistically finish by October 2021. 

I don't know when I'll update you again....There hasn't been a lot to say lately. My life has been filled with work and Netflix binge watching. 

Stay safe. Be happy. And somehow we'll all make it through this crazy time. 

XO

Kymber.  

Jedi Level Sabotage

Oh boy. It has been so long since I posted anything on here. :O With all the craziness going on right now...I've decided to update my blog! Finally. Even though I'm not sure anyone other than my mom reads this. (Hi Mom!) But...whatever. 

I was thinking the other day about my anxiety...and how long I've had it. Which has been what feels like forever. I was officially diagnosed with it about 10 years ago...give or take a few months. That's a long time to be living with an official mental illness. 

In high school I was always the more careful person. I didn't take many risks at all. Stayed in my friend group, was nice to everyone, did what I was supposed to do. Same thing in college. I was a little more adventurous thanks to my AMAZING roomies. I love those girls so much. Even though we have drifted apart...they will always mean the world to me. <3  But, that's not the point. 

My uncle was diagnosed with a rare liver cancer...and given 3-6 months to live. Death isn't an easy thing to deal with. Ever. We had dinner with him as a family and said our goodbyes...and my mom drove me back to campus. That's where it all went down hill. On my way back to school I was pretty sure I was dying from a heart attack. I couldn't breathe, my arm went numb, my chest hurt....I told my mom we needed to go to the hospital. (Which was a convenient stop along the way because I went to school at UAB and obviously the UAB hospital was right there.) Thankfully my mom had the idea that I was having an anxiety attack and not a heart attack. I called two of my roommates and asked them what to do to calm down. By the time I made it back to the dorm I felt like I could breath again. And I laid down on my bed, put my feet up and tried to relax. 

That was the first anxiety attack...it definitely wasn't the last one. I saw my uncle a few more times after that goodbye dinner. The anxiety didn't go away. I had a science class that was later in the day...I stopped going to it. SUPER failed that class. And I didn't really care. When I moved back home the anxiety only got worse. At the time I didn't have a car. I felt trapped. I used to not be able to sleep. I was afraid to sleep actually. So, my mom made me start therapy. Again. And it worked...for a while. Then I lost my health insurance and had to stop going to see my guy. And fast forward to the next summer...same issues started to pop up again. So...I got put on medication. It's had to be adjusted throughout the years, but I can sleep. So, it's worth it. 

You might be wondering what that has to do with anything. Well fast forward 10 years and I'm still a hot mess. I'm in therapy for the...4th time?...I think. And still dealing with this anxiety stuff. It has evolved from just not being able to sleep. I now think everyone hates me. And that most people are only my friend out of pity. And that I am probably going to die from every ache and pain I ever feel. SO...that's fun. 

I tend to self-destruct. Especially when it comes to my friendships. I'll say something crazy and try to push people away and then they'll give up and leave. I think it's easier than waiting for them to leave me. But, those that stay around after I try to push them away...they mean everything to me. And yet, I still feel like eventually they will leave too. It's the worst feeling in the world. And I can't stop thinking about things...and then I end up depressed. And it's this vicious cycle. I'm not sure how to make it stop...that's why I'm in therapy. 

I know I can be annoying...I need reassurance that my friendships are real. And safe. I text people asking them if we're okay...I give them an out. And I try to have jedi level sabotage. 

Thank you guys for dealing with my crazy...and not letting me push you away. Or for being the insecure person I've become. I'm working on it. 

Until next time. 

Wash your hands y'all. And stay away from people. 

xoxo

Kymber. 

Gotta Be Good to Me

2020 here we are! Whaat?? We are officially back in the '20s and I don't think everyone has really grasped that. Like...why are we not bringing those fashion styles back. And the music. I'm actually really obsessed with Postmodern Jukebox right now. If you don't know who they are, they take really popular songs and rearrange the music to be like the '20s. It's wonderful and I love it. A lot. If I could just dress like a flapper every day, and guys wear suits all the time...I'd be here for that. So, let's hop to it world. We should make this happen.

I have set several goals for myself for 2020. My main goal is to start focusing more on myself. Which, if you know me, is super hard for me to do. All I've ever really done is focus on everyone else. I'd be the first person to volunteer to help a friend out...even if I'm neglecting myself. My mom pointed it out when she was here for Christmas. This is a learned behavior that I got from her. My mom has always put everyone before herself. I guess I just didn't realize that's exactly what I was doing too. I can't tell you how many times I've dropped what I was doing to help someone else...which isn't always a terrible thing. However, when everything in my life takes a backseat it becomes a problem.

So I have been doing things for me. Which has been an adventure. I've done some stuff that I wouldn't have done 6 months ago...and I don't even feel guilty about it. Whaat?? And I'm not overthinking it...which is incredible for me. You know you overthink too much when your best guy friend buys you 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***.' Which is actually a really good book that has somke good advice in there. So, if you are an overthinker...I'd look into buying it.

I've also been getting back into the habit of wearing makeup and doing more with my hair than a ponytail. Which can be seen as totally superficial. I know. But, when my hair's done and my makeup's done...I just feel more confident and more myself. So, you may say that I don't need makeup...or any girl doesn't need makeup...but sometimes you just wear it to feel good. Also, I'm now a red head...and let me tell y'all they lie. Red heads have more fun. At least that's been my experience so far. And I feel way more sassy and into myself with this red hair. It's amazing what some hair color can do for your confidence. Who knew?

Moral of the story? I'm trying really hard to make 2020 my year. The year I do what I want without any regrets. So far? I don't have any. I'm digging the new, confident Kymber. I'm focusing on myself and learning more about me and the things I like. I hope your 2020 is going great so far too.

Until next time beautiful people. Stay awesome.

xoxo
Kymber.


"I've never been asked to dance
Cause I've never been the pretty one.
Never liked compliments
Cause it's always been so hard believing them
You say I'm beautiful
And I say you're full of it
Nothing personal
I'm still not used to this
But I'm workin on, workin on it
I've been workin on, workin on it
Workin' on, workin' on
Gotta be good to me
I should give myself way my love
I'm my worst enemy"
--Meghan Trainor, Workin' On It

PS Meghan Trainor's new album is FIRE.

You Deserve the Best in Life...

As I have started my weight loss journey, I created an Instagram account just for keeping myself accountable. The other night I did my first Instastory on there and it was terrifying. I'm much better at expressing myself through written words. I always feel like a giant loser talking to the camera by myself.

Anyways, the point of that is I was watching 'Isn't it Romantic?' and the entire story line just really hit me. So, if you haven't seen that movie and are planning on watching it..don't read any further.



The opening of the movie starts with a young girl watching 'Pretty Woman' and her mother or grandmother tells her that happy endings like that don't happen to girls like her. That the only way she'll ever get married is if someone needs a visa. I can't tell you how many times something similar has been said to me. The main one being that no guy would ever be interested in me unless they were mentally disabled. So. That's like super encouraging right? Here I am not even 5 minutes into this movie and I'm already like 'this is my life.'

The movie fasts forward and the little girl grew up to be Rebel Wilson (I LOVE her). She has turned into this person that just hates romcoms and is completely oblivious to the fact that her best friend is in love with her. She ends up being mugged and in a coma where she's in her own personal romcom. Y'all. The journey she goes on through this whole thing. The hot guy falls in love with her and she thinks that was the purpose of the whole perfect world...get Liam Hemsworth to fall in love with her. But, then she thinks it's to stop the wedding of the best friend because she loves him. And in the middle of her great big speech she realizes that Adam Devine should love her..because she loves her. She completely loves herself and that's why he should love her.

WOW. I've really struggled with self love for so long. There have been times that I've thought I would be happier if I lose all the weight I want. If I could just make it to 175 pounds I would be happy. If I could just get one guy to love me...I'll be happy. All of these things depend on what others see in me...not what I see in me.

Thanks to Facebook memories I saw a picture I took of myself in some red jeans that I LOVED. They were 4-5 sizes smaller than I wear now and at the time they were a size smaller than I wore. I remember standing in that dressing room completely upset that I wasn't a size smaller so I could buy the jeans. I was obviously a beached whale and would die alone. Fast forward 8 years...and I still feel like a beached whale and that I'm going to die alone. But...looking at that picture...looking at how much weight I have gained since then...I want to be back to that size. I want to look in the mirror and see that girl. But most of all...I want to love myself now. Sometimes I do...most times I don't. I will never be happy if I weigh 175 lbs if I can't love myself now. Because, I know I will look in that mirror and still see a fat, unlovable girl if I don't change my thoughts now.

If you want to follow me on Instagram you can @kymberworkinprogress I'm hoping to be out of the 300s by the end of the year. And I'm starting to work on loving myself. It's going to be a long journey...but it'll be worth it.

SO..here we go y'all.

Until next time. I love you like mad.

XO
Kymber.

"And when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair, remember it's only in the black of night you see the stars." - Whitey Durham - One Tree Hill

Good Enough for Me

Long time no post! It's been a pretty busy last few weeks. My mom came to visit for a couple weeks, a coworker went on vacation and I worked like a crazy person, and then I haven't really had a lot to say. Okay...that's a lie. I haven't been able to make sense of what all is going on in this head of mine.

So, to help sort this mess out and stop hating myself I have reached out to a life coach. Yes, you read that right. I never thought I'd be the person to reach out to a life coach...because I always thought it was for people that have more money than they know what to do with and are just a general mess. Obviously, that isn't true..because plenty of people have life coaches...they just don't necessarily talk about it. I had a 20 minute phone call last Saturday with her, and just that short conversation I felt like she totally understood because she had been there too. I've done the therapy thing...a few times...and I know what the sources of my issues are...but I still don't feel like I'm good enough for anyone. So I'm looking forward to having her help me out. I was actually supposed to have my first session with her today...but life happens and I needed new tires and it's been pushed back. I will definitely keep you up to date with that new adventure of my life. I'm really tired of the self loathing and overthinking. It's exhausting.

 Continuing on with my physical health, I have been slacking the last few months due to my crazy schedule and what not. But, the last two weeks I've been pretty much on track again. I gained some of the weight I lost. I'm now working to lose that weight again and keep moving forward. When I was eating better and exercising more I felt so much better about myself. And I just felt better overall. Bu, then people say things that get in your head, joking or not, and it knocks you back to the reality you are trying to escape. There was a situation that reminded me of something that used to happen years ago...and instead of blaming myself and thinking about how I wasn't worth that person's time...I stood up for myself and voiced my opinion. I made it known how I felt and I moved on from it. However, some people want to make me feel bad for letting it go...for not holding a grudge. And then...and then y'all...I got so in my head. I have been knocked back to self doubt and not being worthy thoughts.

If you know me you know I'm no stranger to having songs significantly impact my life in some way. In 2012 Sam Bradley published a YouTube video with his sister, Grace Lindsey, singing 'Only Human.' At that time I was still kind of ehh about Sam's music, but holy moly. That song touched my soul. "And oh, oh pick yourself up off the floor, put that drink down on the bar, we won't be here for long, I know a better place." I was still having a hard time with certain things and that song was just so reassuring. And hearing him play it live a few weeks later? Priceless. Then there's Bobby Long's 'Help You Mend.' I've talked about that song before. It truly helped me get through my brother's death. It still makes me cry when I hear him play it. There's been a few others by both of them, and others, that have really made a change in my life. Music is truly an important part of my life. 

And then I heard Jana Kramer's new song 'Good Enough.' Y'all I cried. It made such an impression on me. And is a large part of why I reached out for a life coach. I know that getting a life coach isn't for everyone and that's fine. Just know you aren't alone. No matter what/how you're feeling someone else out there is feeling that same way.


Until next time lovely people.

XO
Kymber.

"There you go again, bringing me down
Making something out of nothing
Throwing around words, you know will hurt
Why you always fighting dirty?
...
Go on girl, now take a deep breath
You're getting caught up in the moment
It's nothing that you ain't been through
You just gotta know it's true

To be the one that you fight for
The one that you'd die for
I wanna, I wanna be
The one that you stand for
Reach out your hand for
I wanna, I wanna be
Good enough for me."

- Jana Kramer 'Good Enough'

I Had This Picture in my Head

Hello blogger world! I'm back. Updates: I have not weighed myself just yet. I'm waiting to see if I met my goal for the month of June on Monday. If I didn't...well, I will be slightly upset with myself but I will push forward and keep working hard. I also started a new Instagram account (@Kymberworkinprogress) to share my weight loss journey with the world. So many people have been so encouraging and kind...it really means a lot to me! <3

 I've learned a lot this month about my eating habits and how I used to just eat empty calories out of boredom or stress. I've been channeling that energy into other activities, such as going through everything at my apartment and tossing a lot of stuff. And my apartment is still a mess. Penelope (my dog) and I have been going on longer walks lately. I've been trying to bump up my physical activity. I have also decided I'm going to do a bunch of squats a day. All of this hard work needs to lead to me gaining a booty. It's something I have hated my entire life...especially when my younger sister would point out the fact that I do not have a butt. That's just another added goal in this journey.

I had dinner with a friend last night and we laughed so much. It was definitely a dinner I needed to have. We were talking about my weight loss progress and I explained to her how I am hoping to lose all of the weight I want to by my 29th birthday. (Also, side note...I'm getting old you guys. I turn 28 in a few months time...when did that happen?) That thought...of being my goal weight by my next birthday...it's so crazy to think about. But, it's totally doable. Even with the days that are harder for me...and I cave by eating a couple pieces of pizza at work or a donut (or two) when they are brought for breakfast...I'm going to be able to get back on the right way of eating and working out. I follow several people on Instagram that have lost so much weight. They are truly inspirational to me. One of them posts a before and after photo with the caption "What would happen if this time you didn't quit?" WOW. Right? I have tired to lose weight several times over the years...for superficial reasons...I wanted to wear cute clothes, get asked out by the cute boy at school, feel like maybe I was someone that somebody would want to love and just to try and be normal...to fit in. This time? This time I'm doing it for me. To feel better and be healthier.

So, even if I don't reach my goal of losing another 10 lbs this month...next month is a new month. I know how to do better and stay on track. And I'm not kicking myself over the days I stray to eating something I shouldn't. It's all a learning process and I'm getting there.

If you check my Instagram account you'll see two photos I took to compare my progress. One was from November and the other from just the other day...I was blown away. It's hard to see progress when you look at yourself every day. But comparing pictures from months apart...it was exciting to see the difference!

Here's to hoping I reached my goal for the month...and if not...here's to making July the best month yet!

Until next time beautiful people. I love you like mad.

XO
Kymber.


"I had this picture in my head
Of where I ought to be and when
But it's just like the good advice that John gave when he said,
'Life, it happens while we're busy making plans.'

I'd rather make sandcastles
Instead of these wide-world decisions
I knew, I knew it all was catching up to me, yeah

And I don't have a plan at all
But I got this six string religion
And I do, I do believe a song can heal me
It's enough for me, yeah"

Kate Voegele, Sandcastles from Gravity Happens

To Be Yourself is All That You Can Do

Well blogger world I am here to tell you I have not lost anymore weight this week. But, I also made some bad food choices. I let myself have a free day on the 14th...and I woke up the next day feeling like I was hit by a bus. It was so bad I thought about calling out of work. The lesson here? Don't eat all the food on free day. I didn't eat that much, but I didn't eat anything healthy either.

So, I decided I would only eat a free meal on my designated free days. I feel like that is the healthier option for me at this point. But, I have learned my lesson and figured out what will work best for me. However, it has been harder to stay on the meal plan since the 14th because I have just wanted to give in to my unhealthy food desires. Tomorrow I am starting back at being strict on what I'm eating. I want to lose another 6 lbs by July 1st to keep my goals on track. I want to average losing 10 lbs a month so I can be down 100 lbs by the end of December. WHAT. I know. Crazy, right? I can't even imagine how much better I will feel when I get to that point. That will be where I was 6 years ago. Which means I have averaged gaining a little over 16 lbs/year since then. Which, doesn't seem like a lot until you add it together and boom, here I am.

I do feel so much better already. Pants that used to be a little too tight now are loose. And that blows my mind. Some days I can tell the difference, and other days I can't. However, that just means I need to keep going. People have told me I just look like I feel better. That I have a spark back in my eyes that they either haven't seen in a while, or haven't seen at all. Which is nice to hear.

I'm feeling more like myself at times. Recently everything in my apartment has been causing me all sorts of anxiety. My picture wall has been taken down, I've tossed 3 bags full of random things and I'm about to pull my couch out of my apartment and to the county dump as soon as I have access to a truck. That will leave me with an over sized chair and ottoman. Until I find a couch or futon that I like enough to pay for. I'm trying to just...free up space in my life...physically and mentally.

I've found my voice again too. I've decided that I don't want to be a pushover anymore...again. There have been times in my life when I have let people treat me any type of way they want. And I have accepted it, because that is how I thought I deserved to be treated. 27 year old Kymber wishes I could go back in time and slap some sense into 17 year old Kymber. I could have saved myself a lot of pain. Then again I wouldn't be who I am today without those painful experiences. Anyways, I have been honest about how I feel, whether people like it or not. I hope that doesn't burn any bridges with people I genuinely care about...but I can't let those people treat me however they want and get away with it. I deserve some respect dang it. Why is that so difficult nowadays?

So...this is me world. Like that old Lady Sovereign song Sarah and I used to sing during our down time at Domino's 12 years go..."Love me or hate me, it's still an obsession...love me or hate me, that is the question...If you love me than, thank you...if you hate me than F you." HA! That's a blast from the past for sure. Good times.

Anyways, I've been thinking about starting a Facebook page for people to follow my weight loss journey...because I don't want to be one of those annoying people that everyone hates. If you think I should do that, let me know! I'm all about keeping everyone updated on my mental and physical changes if you want. I feel like not enough people use their stories to help others like they should.

One of my high school teachers has this heart breaking story that he turned into a book. (To Be the King of Diamonds by Walter Ryan Adams) I was thinking about it the other day and how it changed my life when I was going through similar struggles. I even wrote a long email to him years ago telling him what his story did for me and how I hope that my story can help someone half as much as his story helped me. I may not have a class full of teenagers to tell my story to once a year and I haven't written a book...but maybe this blog is reaching someone that needs it. Maybe the person that needs to read these words hasn't found this blog yet...maybe nobody will need to read any of this. But, what if they do?

If you are interested in reading To Be the King of Diamonds, you can find it here.

Until next time beautiful people. Love you like mad.

XO
Kymber.


"Even when you've paid enough
Been pulled apart or been held up
Every single memory of the good or bad
Faces of luck
Don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose.
But to be yourself is all that you can do
Yeahhh...
To be yourself is all that you can do"
Audioslave - Be Yourself

We Have Fire on Our Burnt Skin...

Week one has officially come to an end! Week one of eating what my aunt does...with a couple cheat meals in the mix. And I lost 2lbs! (27 lbs in total now!) I feel like if I had added in more exercise or not over done it on the couple of cheats I would have lost a lot more...so, I'm trying for that this week.

I've decided every pay day is going to be my "free" day. Well, free to an extent. On the few times I have over done it I just feel so sick to my stomach. Which I feel is progress. I used to have to eat SO much to feel sick...and now I don't eat that much out of what I have been and BAM. Stomach ache. Now to just train my mind to remember how it feels when I go too overboard. Which I guess is my new normal.

My mom used to tell my siblings and I that all the time. "This is our new normal...we just have to get used to it." I hated to look at it that way though. When my parents got divorced and I was angry at the world I really hated it. When my brother died and I was completely shattered...well I hated it then too. I didn't want to accept these life changing events as normal. Which I know the situations weren't normal, but the idea that it was MY new normal wasn't something I wanted to accept. But here I am 10+ years later and using my mom's phrase. Who would have thought?

This week's title comes from a song that has meant so much to my soul. "We have fire on our burnt skin and it will heal before you have to feel that again...I will help you mend." Every time Bobby Long plays this song live I cry. It meant a lot to me before Nick died...but after he died? I can't accurately put into words the profound effect this song has had on me. I love that song so much I have handwritten lyrics hanging up in my living room. If I ever get a tattoo it will be lyrics from that song.

I say these things because they are things that have helped me over the last 10+ years. My mom's (at times) annoyingly positive attitude and music that heals the soul have impacted my life more than I would have ever imagined.

When my mom would drop me off at school she would tell me every day I was brilliant. She told all of us we were brilliant. I would roll my eyes and say whatever mom and walk into the school. On the other end of the spectrum I was teased and told different things in a joking manner that weren't always nice. Those are the things that have stuck in my mind. I mean sometimes I feel like I'm brilliant...and other times I feel like a failure. Like I'm never going to be good enough for anyone or anything. Which...again, I'm working on these issues. I'm trying to figure out how to focus on the positives and quiet the negative voices in my head.

It hasn't been the easiest week. I have wanted to eat all the ice cream and cry a couple of times this week...but I didn't. And that my friends is progress. I was in a situation that left me feeling like 19 year old me...and 19 year old me would have grabbed some fast food and ice cream to cope with the feelings that I was having. Instead I came home, cuddled up with my dog and watched something on Netflix. I used to say that the only men that had never disappointed me were my grandpa and Ben & Jerry....and now I can't turn to them. And I didn't! So, small victories matter. :)

Thank you to everyone that has been so supportive and kind during this weight loss journey I'm taking. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. <3

Until next time beautiful people. I love you like mad.

XO
Kymber.

"We have tough breaks, we have people to face, we have time before you have to feel that again. We have fire on our burnt skin and it will heal before you have to feel that again...I will help you mend."

- Bobby Long, Help You Mend, Wishbone

Take a Minute if You Need It...

Helloooo blogger world! It's been another week..and here I am keeping up with my promise to myself. Doing things that make me happy. Apparently baring my soul to the internet makes me happy. I feel like that might be something to unpack with my future therapist. 

So, Saturday I started a new way of eating. I don't like the word diet because I always end up failing those. My aunt that lives in Oklahoma is such an inspiration when it comes to losing weight, keeping it off and just being an overall fit BAMF. Since I used to live down the street from her, she's the aunt that I have spent the most time with in my 27 years of life. She was always down to have fun and cook whatever. I remember she once told me to never trust a skinny cook, except for her, because you knew they weren't eating their own food. I still hold on to that bit of information when the time comes. 

All of that background on my aunt to say, I have decided to try and eat like her. She's so skinny right now it's ridiculous. I admire her will power and determination. We'll see if I'll be able to keep up that same attitude. I have a long way to go before I reach my goal weight....but I'm down 25 lbs! I'm hoping this new way of eating will help me reach those goals. I have a long term plan, but I'm trying not to put the cart before the horse. Which if you know me isn't the easiest thing for me to do. I like to have a plan. I'm not very spontaneous. I'm trying to work on that though. 

Being in my head is not always the easiest thing, and everything that could possibly go wrong in any situation goes through my mind. That can lead to an overwhelming sense of anxiety. However I was able to let go of any of my anxious thoughts and be convinced to jump in a pool at 2:00AM. And let me tell you guys something, it was one of the most relaxing, fun things I have ever done...despite still being in my jeans. 

I know there needs to be a balance between caution and spontaneity. I haven't really been living and enjoying life. One day I'll get this whole balance thing worked out. But, until then I'm just trying to work on being more spontaneous and being healthier mentally and physically. 

My goal is to have lost another 30lbs by the time my high school reunion comes around. And then I'm going to treat myself to a cute outfit to wear and see some of my old classmates. That is my 3 month goal right now. 10 pounds a month is doable. I've done it before...I can do it again. 

I'll be sure to update you guys next week on how this new way of eating is going!  

Until next time beautiful people. 

I love you like mad! 

XO

Kymber. 

"Take a minute, if you need it

and stop breathing; only human

let us see that hopeful smile that you once wore. 

and oh, oh pick yourself up off the floor

put that drink down on the bar

we won't be here for long

and oh, oh pick yourself up off the floor

put that drink down on the bar

we won't be here for long: 

I know a better place." 

- Sam Bradley, Only Human