I Had This Picture in my Head

Hello blogger world! I'm back. Updates: I have not weighed myself just yet. I'm waiting to see if I met my goal for the month of June on Monday. If I didn't...well, I will be slightly upset with myself but I will push forward and keep working hard. I also started a new Instagram account (@Kymberworkinprogress) to share my weight loss journey with the world. So many people have been so encouraging and kind...it really means a lot to me! <3

 I've learned a lot this month about my eating habits and how I used to just eat empty calories out of boredom or stress. I've been channeling that energy into other activities, such as going through everything at my apartment and tossing a lot of stuff. And my apartment is still a mess. Penelope (my dog) and I have been going on longer walks lately. I've been trying to bump up my physical activity. I have also decided I'm going to do a bunch of squats a day. All of this hard work needs to lead to me gaining a booty. It's something I have hated my entire life...especially when my younger sister would point out the fact that I do not have a butt. That's just another added goal in this journey.

I had dinner with a friend last night and we laughed so much. It was definitely a dinner I needed to have. We were talking about my weight loss progress and I explained to her how I am hoping to lose all of the weight I want to by my 29th birthday. (Also, side note...I'm getting old you guys. I turn 28 in a few months time...when did that happen?) That thought...of being my goal weight by my next birthday...it's so crazy to think about. But, it's totally doable. Even with the days that are harder for me...and I cave by eating a couple pieces of pizza at work or a donut (or two) when they are brought for breakfast...I'm going to be able to get back on the right way of eating and working out. I follow several people on Instagram that have lost so much weight. They are truly inspirational to me. One of them posts a before and after photo with the caption "What would happen if this time you didn't quit?" WOW. Right? I have tired to lose weight several times over the years...for superficial reasons...I wanted to wear cute clothes, get asked out by the cute boy at school, feel like maybe I was someone that somebody would want to love and just to try and be normal...to fit in. This time? This time I'm doing it for me. To feel better and be healthier.

So, even if I don't reach my goal of losing another 10 lbs this month...next month is a new month. I know how to do better and stay on track. And I'm not kicking myself over the days I stray to eating something I shouldn't. It's all a learning process and I'm getting there.

If you check my Instagram account you'll see two photos I took to compare my progress. One was from November and the other from just the other day...I was blown away. It's hard to see progress when you look at yourself every day. But comparing pictures from months apart...it was exciting to see the difference!

Here's to hoping I reached my goal for the month...and if not...here's to making July the best month yet!

Until next time beautiful people. I love you like mad.

XO
Kymber.


"I had this picture in my head
Of where I ought to be and when
But it's just like the good advice that John gave when he said,
'Life, it happens while we're busy making plans.'

I'd rather make sandcastles
Instead of these wide-world decisions
I knew, I knew it all was catching up to me, yeah

And I don't have a plan at all
But I got this six string religion
And I do, I do believe a song can heal me
It's enough for me, yeah"

Kate Voegele, Sandcastles from Gravity Happens

To Be Yourself is All That You Can Do

Well blogger world I am here to tell you I have not lost anymore weight this week. But, I also made some bad food choices. I let myself have a free day on the 14th...and I woke up the next day feeling like I was hit by a bus. It was so bad I thought about calling out of work. The lesson here? Don't eat all the food on free day. I didn't eat that much, but I didn't eat anything healthy either.

So, I decided I would only eat a free meal on my designated free days. I feel like that is the healthier option for me at this point. But, I have learned my lesson and figured out what will work best for me. However, it has been harder to stay on the meal plan since the 14th because I have just wanted to give in to my unhealthy food desires. Tomorrow I am starting back at being strict on what I'm eating. I want to lose another 6 lbs by July 1st to keep my goals on track. I want to average losing 10 lbs a month so I can be down 100 lbs by the end of December. WHAT. I know. Crazy, right? I can't even imagine how much better I will feel when I get to that point. That will be where I was 6 years ago. Which means I have averaged gaining a little over 16 lbs/year since then. Which, doesn't seem like a lot until you add it together and boom, here I am.

I do feel so much better already. Pants that used to be a little too tight now are loose. And that blows my mind. Some days I can tell the difference, and other days I can't. However, that just means I need to keep going. People have told me I just look like I feel better. That I have a spark back in my eyes that they either haven't seen in a while, or haven't seen at all. Which is nice to hear.

I'm feeling more like myself at times. Recently everything in my apartment has been causing me all sorts of anxiety. My picture wall has been taken down, I've tossed 3 bags full of random things and I'm about to pull my couch out of my apartment and to the county dump as soon as I have access to a truck. That will leave me with an over sized chair and ottoman. Until I find a couch or futon that I like enough to pay for. I'm trying to just...free up space in my life...physically and mentally.

I've found my voice again too. I've decided that I don't want to be a pushover anymore...again. There have been times in my life when I have let people treat me any type of way they want. And I have accepted it, because that is how I thought I deserved to be treated. 27 year old Kymber wishes I could go back in time and slap some sense into 17 year old Kymber. I could have saved myself a lot of pain. Then again I wouldn't be who I am today without those painful experiences. Anyways, I have been honest about how I feel, whether people like it or not. I hope that doesn't burn any bridges with people I genuinely care about...but I can't let those people treat me however they want and get away with it. I deserve some respect dang it. Why is that so difficult nowadays?

So...this is me world. Like that old Lady Sovereign song Sarah and I used to sing during our down time at Domino's 12 years go..."Love me or hate me, it's still an obsession...love me or hate me, that is the question...If you love me than, thank you...if you hate me than F you." HA! That's a blast from the past for sure. Good times.

Anyways, I've been thinking about starting a Facebook page for people to follow my weight loss journey...because I don't want to be one of those annoying people that everyone hates. If you think I should do that, let me know! I'm all about keeping everyone updated on my mental and physical changes if you want. I feel like not enough people use their stories to help others like they should.

One of my high school teachers has this heart breaking story that he turned into a book. (To Be the King of Diamonds by Walter Ryan Adams) I was thinking about it the other day and how it changed my life when I was going through similar struggles. I even wrote a long email to him years ago telling him what his story did for me and how I hope that my story can help someone half as much as his story helped me. I may not have a class full of teenagers to tell my story to once a year and I haven't written a book...but maybe this blog is reaching someone that needs it. Maybe the person that needs to read these words hasn't found this blog yet...maybe nobody will need to read any of this. But, what if they do?

If you are interested in reading To Be the King of Diamonds, you can find it here.

Until next time beautiful people. Love you like mad.

XO
Kymber.


"Even when you've paid enough
Been pulled apart or been held up
Every single memory of the good or bad
Faces of luck
Don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose.
But to be yourself is all that you can do
Yeahhh...
To be yourself is all that you can do"
Audioslave - Be Yourself

We Have Fire on Our Burnt Skin...

Week one has officially come to an end! Week one of eating what my aunt does...with a couple cheat meals in the mix. And I lost 2lbs! (27 lbs in total now!) I feel like if I had added in more exercise or not over done it on the couple of cheats I would have lost a lot more...so, I'm trying for that this week.

I've decided every pay day is going to be my "free" day. Well, free to an extent. On the few times I have over done it I just feel so sick to my stomach. Which I feel is progress. I used to have to eat SO much to feel sick...and now I don't eat that much out of what I have been and BAM. Stomach ache. Now to just train my mind to remember how it feels when I go too overboard. Which I guess is my new normal.

My mom used to tell my siblings and I that all the time. "This is our new normal...we just have to get used to it." I hated to look at it that way though. When my parents got divorced and I was angry at the world I really hated it. When my brother died and I was completely shattered...well I hated it then too. I didn't want to accept these life changing events as normal. Which I know the situations weren't normal, but the idea that it was MY new normal wasn't something I wanted to accept. But here I am 10+ years later and using my mom's phrase. Who would have thought?

This week's title comes from a song that has meant so much to my soul. "We have fire on our burnt skin and it will heal before you have to feel that again...I will help you mend." Every time Bobby Long plays this song live I cry. It meant a lot to me before Nick died...but after he died? I can't accurately put into words the profound effect this song has had on me. I love that song so much I have handwritten lyrics hanging up in my living room. If I ever get a tattoo it will be lyrics from that song.

I say these things because they are things that have helped me over the last 10+ years. My mom's (at times) annoyingly positive attitude and music that heals the soul have impacted my life more than I would have ever imagined.

When my mom would drop me off at school she would tell me every day I was brilliant. She told all of us we were brilliant. I would roll my eyes and say whatever mom and walk into the school. On the other end of the spectrum I was teased and told different things in a joking manner that weren't always nice. Those are the things that have stuck in my mind. I mean sometimes I feel like I'm brilliant...and other times I feel like a failure. Like I'm never going to be good enough for anyone or anything. Which...again, I'm working on these issues. I'm trying to figure out how to focus on the positives and quiet the negative voices in my head.

It hasn't been the easiest week. I have wanted to eat all the ice cream and cry a couple of times this week...but I didn't. And that my friends is progress. I was in a situation that left me feeling like 19 year old me...and 19 year old me would have grabbed some fast food and ice cream to cope with the feelings that I was having. Instead I came home, cuddled up with my dog and watched something on Netflix. I used to say that the only men that had never disappointed me were my grandpa and Ben & Jerry....and now I can't turn to them. And I didn't! So, small victories matter. :)

Thank you to everyone that has been so supportive and kind during this weight loss journey I'm taking. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. <3

Until next time beautiful people. I love you like mad.

XO
Kymber.

"We have tough breaks, we have people to face, we have time before you have to feel that again. We have fire on our burnt skin and it will heal before you have to feel that again...I will help you mend."

- Bobby Long, Help You Mend, Wishbone

Take a Minute if You Need It...

Helloooo blogger world! It's been another week..and here I am keeping up with my promise to myself. Doing things that make me happy. Apparently baring my soul to the internet makes me happy. I feel like that might be something to unpack with my future therapist. 

So, Saturday I started a new way of eating. I don't like the word diet because I always end up failing those. My aunt that lives in Oklahoma is such an inspiration when it comes to losing weight, keeping it off and just being an overall fit BAMF. Since I used to live down the street from her, she's the aunt that I have spent the most time with in my 27 years of life. She was always down to have fun and cook whatever. I remember she once told me to never trust a skinny cook, except for her, because you knew they weren't eating their own food. I still hold on to that bit of information when the time comes. 

All of that background on my aunt to say, I have decided to try and eat like her. She's so skinny right now it's ridiculous. I admire her will power and determination. We'll see if I'll be able to keep up that same attitude. I have a long way to go before I reach my goal weight....but I'm down 25 lbs! I'm hoping this new way of eating will help me reach those goals. I have a long term plan, but I'm trying not to put the cart before the horse. Which if you know me isn't the easiest thing for me to do. I like to have a plan. I'm not very spontaneous. I'm trying to work on that though. 

Being in my head is not always the easiest thing, and everything that could possibly go wrong in any situation goes through my mind. That can lead to an overwhelming sense of anxiety. However I was able to let go of any of my anxious thoughts and be convinced to jump in a pool at 2:00AM. And let me tell you guys something, it was one of the most relaxing, fun things I have ever done...despite still being in my jeans. 

I know there needs to be a balance between caution and spontaneity. I haven't really been living and enjoying life. One day I'll get this whole balance thing worked out. But, until then I'm just trying to work on being more spontaneous and being healthier mentally and physically. 

My goal is to have lost another 30lbs by the time my high school reunion comes around. And then I'm going to treat myself to a cute outfit to wear and see some of my old classmates. That is my 3 month goal right now. 10 pounds a month is doable. I've done it before...I can do it again. 

I'll be sure to update you guys next week on how this new way of eating is going!  

Until next time beautiful people. 

I love you like mad! 

XO

Kymber. 

"Take a minute, if you need it

and stop breathing; only human

let us see that hopeful smile that you once wore. 

and oh, oh pick yourself up off the floor

put that drink down on the bar

we won't be here for long

and oh, oh pick yourself up off the floor

put that drink down on the bar

we won't be here for long: 

I know a better place." 

- Sam Bradley, Only Human