As I have started my weight loss journey, I created an Instagram account just for keeping myself accountable. The other night I did my first Instastory on there and it was terrifying. I'm much better at expressing myself through written words. I always feel like a giant loser talking to the camera by myself.
Anyways, the point of that is I was watching 'Isn't it Romantic?' and the entire story line just really hit me. So, if you haven't seen that movie and are planning on watching it..don't read any further.
The opening of the movie starts with a young girl watching 'Pretty Woman' and her mother or grandmother tells her that happy endings like that don't happen to girls like her. That the only way she'll ever get married is if someone needs a visa. I can't tell you how many times something similar has been said to me. The main one being that no guy would ever be interested in me unless they were mentally disabled. So. That's like super encouraging right? Here I am not even 5 minutes into this movie and I'm already like 'this is my life.'
The movie fasts forward and the little girl grew up to be Rebel Wilson (I LOVE her). She has turned into this person that just hates romcoms and is completely oblivious to the fact that her best friend is in love with her. She ends up being mugged and in a coma where she's in her own personal romcom. Y'all. The journey she goes on through this whole thing. The hot guy falls in love with her and she thinks that was the purpose of the whole perfect world...get Liam Hemsworth to fall in love with her. But, then she thinks it's to stop the wedding of the best friend because she loves him. And in the middle of her great big speech she realizes that Adam Devine should love her..because she loves her. She completely loves herself and that's why he should love her.
WOW. I've really struggled with self love for so long. There have been times that I've thought I would be happier if I lose all the weight I want. If I could just make it to 175 pounds I would be happy. If I could just get one guy to love me...I'll be happy. All of these things depend on what others see in me...not what I see in me.
Thanks to Facebook memories I saw a picture I took of myself in some red jeans that I LOVED. They were 4-5 sizes smaller than I wear now and at the time they were a size smaller than I wore. I remember standing in that dressing room completely upset that I wasn't a size smaller so I could buy the jeans. I was obviously a beached whale and would die alone. Fast forward 8 years...and I still feel like a beached whale and that I'm going to die alone. But...looking at that picture...looking at how much weight I have gained since then...I want to be back to that size. I want to look in the mirror and see that girl. But most of all...I want to love myself now. Sometimes I do...most times I don't. I will never be happy if I weigh 175 lbs if I can't love myself now. Because, I know I will look in that mirror and still see a fat, unlovable girl if I don't change my thoughts now.
If you want to follow me on Instagram you can @kymberworkinprogress I'm hoping to be out of the 300s by the end of the year. And I'm starting to work on loving myself. It's going to be a long journey...but it'll be worth it.
SO..here we go y'all.
Until next time. I love you like mad.
XO
Kymber.
"And when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair, remember it's only in the black of night you see the stars." - Whitey Durham - One Tree Hill
Saturday, September 28, 2019
Thursday, September 5, 2019
Good Enough for Me
Long time no post! It's been a pretty busy last few weeks. My mom came to visit for a couple weeks, a coworker went on vacation and I worked like a crazy person, and then I haven't really had a lot to say. Okay...that's a lie. I haven't been able to make sense of what all is going on in this head of mine.
So, to help sort this mess out and stop hating myself I have reached out to a life coach. Yes, you read that right. I never thought I'd be the person to reach out to a life coach...because I always thought it was for people that have more money than they know what to do with and are just a general mess. Obviously, that isn't true..because plenty of people have life coaches...they just don't necessarily talk about it. I had a 20 minute phone call last Saturday with her, and just that short conversation I felt like she totally understood because she had been there too. I've done the therapy thing...a few times...and I know what the sources of my issues are...but I still don't feel like I'm good enough for anyone. So I'm looking forward to having her help me out. I was actually supposed to have my first session with her today...but life happens and I needed new tires and it's been pushed back. I will definitely keep you up to date with that new adventure of my life. I'm really tired of the self loathing and overthinking. It's exhausting.
Continuing on with my physical health, I have been slacking the last few months due to my crazy schedule and what not. But, the last two weeks I've been pretty much on track again. I gained some of the weight I lost. I'm now working to lose that weight again and keep moving forward. When I was eating better and exercising more I felt so much better about myself. And I just felt better overall. Bu, then people say things that get in your head, joking or not, and it knocks you back to the reality you are trying to escape. There was a situation that reminded me of something that used to happen years ago...and instead of blaming myself and thinking about how I wasn't worth that person's time...I stood up for myself and voiced my opinion. I made it known how I felt and I moved on from it. However, some people want to make me feel bad for letting it go...for not holding a grudge. And then...and then y'all...I got so in my head. I have been knocked back to self doubt and not being worthy thoughts.
If you know me you know I'm no stranger to having songs significantly impact my life in some way. In 2012 Sam Bradley published a YouTube video with his sister, Grace Lindsey, singing 'Only Human.' At that time I was still kind of ehh about Sam's music, but holy moly. That song touched my soul. "And oh, oh pick yourself up off the floor, put that drink down on the bar, we won't be here for long, I know a better place." I was still having a hard time with certain things and that song was just so reassuring. And hearing him play it live a few weeks later? Priceless. Then there's Bobby Long's 'Help You Mend.' I've talked about that song before. It truly helped me get through my brother's death. It still makes me cry when I hear him play it. There's been a few others by both of them, and others, that have really made a change in my life. Music is truly an important part of my life.
And then I heard Jana Kramer's new song 'Good Enough.' Y'all I cried. It made such an impression on me. And is a large part of why I reached out for a life coach. I know that getting a life coach isn't for everyone and that's fine. Just know you aren't alone. No matter what/how you're feeling someone else out there is feeling that same way.
Until next time lovely people.
XO
Kymber.
"There you go again, bringing me down
Making something out of nothing
Throwing around words, you know will hurt
Why you always fighting dirty?
...
Go on girl, now take a deep breath
You're getting caught up in the moment
It's nothing that you ain't been through
You just gotta know it's true
To be the one that you fight for
The one that you'd die for
I wanna, I wanna be
The one that you stand for
Reach out your hand for
I wanna, I wanna be
Good enough for me."
- Jana Kramer 'Good Enough'
So, to help sort this mess out and stop hating myself I have reached out to a life coach. Yes, you read that right. I never thought I'd be the person to reach out to a life coach...because I always thought it was for people that have more money than they know what to do with and are just a general mess. Obviously, that isn't true..because plenty of people have life coaches...they just don't necessarily talk about it. I had a 20 minute phone call last Saturday with her, and just that short conversation I felt like she totally understood because she had been there too. I've done the therapy thing...a few times...and I know what the sources of my issues are...but I still don't feel like I'm good enough for anyone. So I'm looking forward to having her help me out. I was actually supposed to have my first session with her today...but life happens and I needed new tires and it's been pushed back. I will definitely keep you up to date with that new adventure of my life. I'm really tired of the self loathing and overthinking. It's exhausting.
Continuing on with my physical health, I have been slacking the last few months due to my crazy schedule and what not. But, the last two weeks I've been pretty much on track again. I gained some of the weight I lost. I'm now working to lose that weight again and keep moving forward. When I was eating better and exercising more I felt so much better about myself. And I just felt better overall. Bu, then people say things that get in your head, joking or not, and it knocks you back to the reality you are trying to escape. There was a situation that reminded me of something that used to happen years ago...and instead of blaming myself and thinking about how I wasn't worth that person's time...I stood up for myself and voiced my opinion. I made it known how I felt and I moved on from it. However, some people want to make me feel bad for letting it go...for not holding a grudge. And then...and then y'all...I got so in my head. I have been knocked back to self doubt and not being worthy thoughts.
If you know me you know I'm no stranger to having songs significantly impact my life in some way. In 2012 Sam Bradley published a YouTube video with his sister, Grace Lindsey, singing 'Only Human.' At that time I was still kind of ehh about Sam's music, but holy moly. That song touched my soul. "And oh, oh pick yourself up off the floor, put that drink down on the bar, we won't be here for long, I know a better place." I was still having a hard time with certain things and that song was just so reassuring. And hearing him play it live a few weeks later? Priceless. Then there's Bobby Long's 'Help You Mend.' I've talked about that song before. It truly helped me get through my brother's death. It still makes me cry when I hear him play it. There's been a few others by both of them, and others, that have really made a change in my life. Music is truly an important part of my life.
And then I heard Jana Kramer's new song 'Good Enough.' Y'all I cried. It made such an impression on me. And is a large part of why I reached out for a life coach. I know that getting a life coach isn't for everyone and that's fine. Just know you aren't alone. No matter what/how you're feeling someone else out there is feeling that same way.
Until next time lovely people.
XO
Kymber.
"There you go again, bringing me down
Making something out of nothing
Throwing around words, you know will hurt
Why you always fighting dirty?
...
Go on girl, now take a deep breath
You're getting caught up in the moment
It's nothing that you ain't been through
You just gotta know it's true
To be the one that you fight for
The one that you'd die for
I wanna, I wanna be
The one that you stand for
Reach out your hand for
I wanna, I wanna be
Good enough for me."
- Jana Kramer 'Good Enough'
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