P90X

Sooo....I've started P90X...or P90 death as I am now calling it. The workout is KILLER. But, so worth it. I hope at least. ;)
I can't afford to do the meal plan so I'm just cutting back on what I eat and not eating junk...or well..not eating a whole bunch of junk. Gum has become my new best friend. I'm less hungry when chewing gum. And lots and lots and lots of water. I'm hoping this will lead to the results I want. Anything can be better then what I've been doing.
Sometimes I get frustrated with myself. Why did I let myself get to this point? Why didn't I stop myself from eating so much in the past 19 years? But, I'm changing. So, that's a good thing. I'm realizing what I've been doing isn't right. I may have to work my butt off to get to where I want to be, but I'm going to do it. Even if it kills me. Some days it feels like it just might do that.
I've decided to really crack down on this because for the first time since middle school I'm buying a swim suit....and I hate the way I look in those. I feel so fat and ugly..and just all around gross. But, I'm determined to not feel like that anymore. I found the PERFECT swim suit from Target. I love it. It's black and the front has neon polka spots!! :O It's totally me. It's a tankini so I'm gonna have to get the short bottoms because the other ones make me uncomfortable....and I hate my legs.
But, I'm seriously tired of being fat. I want to be able to go to the mall and spend $50 on more then just one shirt. I want to be able to go buy clothes from places like Forever21. I want to feel beautiful. I know a lot of my posts have been depressing and I promise I'll have some funny ones coming soon. This is just heavy on my mind right now.
I'll be sure to keep y'all posted. And as long as I reach my goal I'll post a picture of me in my swim suit at the end of May. :) I love you all. Thanks for reading!
Muah!!

XO.
Kymber.