Lowkey F 2020.

 Whoa. It has been a CRAZY weird year you guys. I had such high hopes at the start of the year. I was a red head, pushed outside of my comfort zone and I was feeling myself. Fast forward to the middle of March and everything was shut down. I was deemed an essential worker, so I still went to work my usual schedule and face masks became a thing. I have told SO many people how much I really like their masks....because it's now a fun way to mix up your outfits. 

I've known people that have gotten COVID-19....I've known people that have died from it. It's a serious issue. I hope if you are reading this you're doing your best to keep the people you love, and yourself, safe. In order to keep myself and my loved ones safe, I have been social distant....for MONTHS. It's really been hard on my mental health. I thought I was doing pretty good...and then one day I ended up at Nick's grave having a mental breakdown. -_- Please take care of not only your physical health, but your mental health during this time too. It's just as important. 

So, I've seen this trend on TikTok about how your 17 year old self would feel about who you are now. I really thought about that...17 year old me would not be impressed. I had big dreams for myself by 29. I wrote a list of things I wanted to do by the time I turned 30...some of them are done...most of them are not. Also, I must have thought I'd be like a millionaire by the time I was 30 because I wanted to go to the Super Bowl and a college national championship game...and things I couldn't ever think about affording at the moment. Which, is fine. I'm not upset about not being able to go to those things. I just wish some of the other things on that list were done...the more personal items. But, here I am...still trying to figure things out. Life is just SO much harder than I would have ever thought 12 years ago. I just wish I would have been better prepared for what was coming my way. 

On a sad note....about a month ago a friend of mine announced that his nephew had passed away unexpectedly. Oof. A friend of his sister's had started a GoFundMe type page to raise money for the funeral. That brought back a lot of memories I haven't thought about in years. The pain of going through something that you never thought would happen to you or your family...the kindness of strangers helping pay for a funeral you shouldn't have to plan. I checked that fundraiser multiple times a day...donated as much as I could...reached out to my friend, and his sister, that I've never met, and cried for the loss of their loved one. I just wanted to give them both giant hugs and cry with them. Thankfully, that fundraiser raised over twice as much as they were trying to get. I really wish there was something more I could have done for them. But, knowing that I could share the fundraiser and donate...to help reduce the financial burden/stress...I felt that it was not only a way to help their family, but a way for me to pay it forward from the kindness that had been shown to my family. Thank you to everyone that shared my posts and/or donated. 

Tell the people you love that you love them every day. Take risks. Pushing your limits can be scary...and even though things haven't gone my way this year...at all...I'm glad I've been able to push out of my comfort zone. I saw this poster that said "Your comfort zone will kill you." Wow. I felt personally attacked. Don't get stuck in your comfort zone...you never know what you'll miss out on. 

I now have a list of things to do by the time I turn 30 next year. (I think I just threw up in my mouth.) Thanks to a day out with my 13 year old niece and some of her suggestions...this is a list I will be able to realistically finish by October 2021. 

I don't know when I'll update you again....There hasn't been a lot to say lately. My life has been filled with work and Netflix binge watching. 

Stay safe. Be happy. And somehow we'll all make it through this crazy time. 

XO

Kymber.  

Jedi Level Sabotage

Oh boy. It has been so long since I posted anything on here. :O With all the craziness going on right now...I've decided to update my blog! Finally. Even though I'm not sure anyone other than my mom reads this. (Hi Mom!) But...whatever. 

I was thinking the other day about my anxiety...and how long I've had it. Which has been what feels like forever. I was officially diagnosed with it about 10 years ago...give or take a few months. That's a long time to be living with an official mental illness. 

In high school I was always the more careful person. I didn't take many risks at all. Stayed in my friend group, was nice to everyone, did what I was supposed to do. Same thing in college. I was a little more adventurous thanks to my AMAZING roomies. I love those girls so much. Even though we have drifted apart...they will always mean the world to me. <3  But, that's not the point. 

My uncle was diagnosed with a rare liver cancer...and given 3-6 months to live. Death isn't an easy thing to deal with. Ever. We had dinner with him as a family and said our goodbyes...and my mom drove me back to campus. That's where it all went down hill. On my way back to school I was pretty sure I was dying from a heart attack. I couldn't breathe, my arm went numb, my chest hurt....I told my mom we needed to go to the hospital. (Which was a convenient stop along the way because I went to school at UAB and obviously the UAB hospital was right there.) Thankfully my mom had the idea that I was having an anxiety attack and not a heart attack. I called two of my roommates and asked them what to do to calm down. By the time I made it back to the dorm I felt like I could breath again. And I laid down on my bed, put my feet up and tried to relax. 

That was the first anxiety attack...it definitely wasn't the last one. I saw my uncle a few more times after that goodbye dinner. The anxiety didn't go away. I had a science class that was later in the day...I stopped going to it. SUPER failed that class. And I didn't really care. When I moved back home the anxiety only got worse. At the time I didn't have a car. I felt trapped. I used to not be able to sleep. I was afraid to sleep actually. So, my mom made me start therapy. Again. And it worked...for a while. Then I lost my health insurance and had to stop going to see my guy. And fast forward to the next summer...same issues started to pop up again. So...I got put on medication. It's had to be adjusted throughout the years, but I can sleep. So, it's worth it. 

You might be wondering what that has to do with anything. Well fast forward 10 years and I'm still a hot mess. I'm in therapy for the...4th time?...I think. And still dealing with this anxiety stuff. It has evolved from just not being able to sleep. I now think everyone hates me. And that most people are only my friend out of pity. And that I am probably going to die from every ache and pain I ever feel. SO...that's fun. 

I tend to self-destruct. Especially when it comes to my friendships. I'll say something crazy and try to push people away and then they'll give up and leave. I think it's easier than waiting for them to leave me. But, those that stay around after I try to push them away...they mean everything to me. And yet, I still feel like eventually they will leave too. It's the worst feeling in the world. And I can't stop thinking about things...and then I end up depressed. And it's this vicious cycle. I'm not sure how to make it stop...that's why I'm in therapy. 

I know I can be annoying...I need reassurance that my friendships are real. And safe. I text people asking them if we're okay...I give them an out. And I try to have jedi level sabotage. 

Thank you guys for dealing with my crazy...and not letting me push you away. Or for being the insecure person I've become. I'm working on it. 

Until next time. 

Wash your hands y'all. And stay away from people. 

xoxo

Kymber. 

Gotta Be Good to Me

2020 here we are! Whaat?? We are officially back in the '20s and I don't think everyone has really grasped that. Like...why are we not bringing those fashion styles back. And the music. I'm actually really obsessed with Postmodern Jukebox right now. If you don't know who they are, they take really popular songs and rearrange the music to be like the '20s. It's wonderful and I love it. A lot. If I could just dress like a flapper every day, and guys wear suits all the time...I'd be here for that. So, let's hop to it world. We should make this happen.

I have set several goals for myself for 2020. My main goal is to start focusing more on myself. Which, if you know me, is super hard for me to do. All I've ever really done is focus on everyone else. I'd be the first person to volunteer to help a friend out...even if I'm neglecting myself. My mom pointed it out when she was here for Christmas. This is a learned behavior that I got from her. My mom has always put everyone before herself. I guess I just didn't realize that's exactly what I was doing too. I can't tell you how many times I've dropped what I was doing to help someone else...which isn't always a terrible thing. However, when everything in my life takes a backseat it becomes a problem.

So I have been doing things for me. Which has been an adventure. I've done some stuff that I wouldn't have done 6 months ago...and I don't even feel guilty about it. Whaat?? And I'm not overthinking it...which is incredible for me. You know you overthink too much when your best guy friend buys you 'The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***.' Which is actually a really good book that has somke good advice in there. So, if you are an overthinker...I'd look into buying it.

I've also been getting back into the habit of wearing makeup and doing more with my hair than a ponytail. Which can be seen as totally superficial. I know. But, when my hair's done and my makeup's done...I just feel more confident and more myself. So, you may say that I don't need makeup...or any girl doesn't need makeup...but sometimes you just wear it to feel good. Also, I'm now a red head...and let me tell y'all they lie. Red heads have more fun. At least that's been my experience so far. And I feel way more sassy and into myself with this red hair. It's amazing what some hair color can do for your confidence. Who knew?

Moral of the story? I'm trying really hard to make 2020 my year. The year I do what I want without any regrets. So far? I don't have any. I'm digging the new, confident Kymber. I'm focusing on myself and learning more about me and the things I like. I hope your 2020 is going great so far too.

Until next time beautiful people. Stay awesome.

xoxo
Kymber.


"I've never been asked to dance
Cause I've never been the pretty one.
Never liked compliments
Cause it's always been so hard believing them
You say I'm beautiful
And I say you're full of it
Nothing personal
I'm still not used to this
But I'm workin on, workin on it
I've been workin on, workin on it
Workin' on, workin' on
Gotta be good to me
I should give myself way my love
I'm my worst enemy"
--Meghan Trainor, Workin' On It

PS Meghan Trainor's new album is FIRE.