As I have started my weight loss journey, I created an Instagram account just for keeping myself accountable. The other night I did my first Instastory on there and it was terrifying. I'm much better at expressing myself through written words. I always feel like a giant loser talking to the camera by myself.
Anyways, the point of that is I was watching 'Isn't it Romantic?' and the entire story line just really hit me. So, if you haven't seen that movie and are planning on watching it..don't read any further.
The opening of the movie starts with a young girl watching 'Pretty Woman' and her mother or grandmother tells her that happy endings like that don't happen to girls like her. That the only way she'll ever get married is if someone needs a visa. I can't tell you how many times something similar has been said to me. The main one being that no guy would ever be interested in me unless they were mentally disabled. So. That's like super encouraging right? Here I am not even 5 minutes into this movie and I'm already like 'this is my life.'
The movie fasts forward and the little girl grew up to be Rebel Wilson (I LOVE her). She has turned into this person that just hates romcoms and is completely oblivious to the fact that her best friend is in love with her. She ends up being mugged and in a coma where she's in her own personal romcom. Y'all. The journey she goes on through this whole thing. The hot guy falls in love with her and she thinks that was the purpose of the whole perfect world...get Liam Hemsworth to fall in love with her. But, then she thinks it's to stop the wedding of the best friend because she loves him. And in the middle of her great big speech she realizes that Adam Devine should love her..because she loves her. She completely loves herself and that's why he should love her.
WOW. I've really struggled with self love for so long. There have been times that I've thought I would be happier if I lose all the weight I want. If I could just make it to 175 pounds I would be happy. If I could just get one guy to love me...I'll be happy. All of these things depend on what others see in me...not what I see in me.
Thanks to Facebook memories I saw a picture I took of myself in some red jeans that I LOVED. They were 4-5 sizes smaller than I wear now and at the time they were a size smaller than I wore. I remember standing in that dressing room completely upset that I wasn't a size smaller so I could buy the jeans. I was obviously a beached whale and would die alone. Fast forward 8 years...and I still feel like a beached whale and that I'm going to die alone. But...looking at that picture...looking at how much weight I have gained since then...I want to be back to that size. I want to look in the mirror and see that girl. But most of all...I want to love myself now. Sometimes I do...most times I don't. I will never be happy if I weigh 175 lbs if I can't love myself now. Because, I know I will look in that mirror and still see a fat, unlovable girl if I don't change my thoughts now.
If you want to follow me on Instagram you can @kymberworkinprogress I'm hoping to be out of the 300s by the end of the year. And I'm starting to work on loving myself. It's going to be a long journey...but it'll be worth it.
SO..here we go y'all.
Until next time. I love you like mad.
XO
Kymber.
"And when you find yourself lost in the darkness and despair, remember it's only in the black of night you see the stars." - Whitey Durham - One Tree Hill
Saturday, September 28, 2019
Thursday, September 5, 2019
Good Enough for Me
Long time no post! It's been a pretty busy last few weeks. My mom came to visit for a couple weeks, a coworker went on vacation and I worked like a crazy person, and then I haven't really had a lot to say. Okay...that's a lie. I haven't been able to make sense of what all is going on in this head of mine.
So, to help sort this mess out and stop hating myself I have reached out to a life coach. Yes, you read that right. I never thought I'd be the person to reach out to a life coach...because I always thought it was for people that have more money than they know what to do with and are just a general mess. Obviously, that isn't true..because plenty of people have life coaches...they just don't necessarily talk about it. I had a 20 minute phone call last Saturday with her, and just that short conversation I felt like she totally understood because she had been there too. I've done the therapy thing...a few times...and I know what the sources of my issues are...but I still don't feel like I'm good enough for anyone. So I'm looking forward to having her help me out. I was actually supposed to have my first session with her today...but life happens and I needed new tires and it's been pushed back. I will definitely keep you up to date with that new adventure of my life. I'm really tired of the self loathing and overthinking. It's exhausting.
Continuing on with my physical health, I have been slacking the last few months due to my crazy schedule and what not. But, the last two weeks I've been pretty much on track again. I gained some of the weight I lost. I'm now working to lose that weight again and keep moving forward. When I was eating better and exercising more I felt so much better about myself. And I just felt better overall. Bu, then people say things that get in your head, joking or not, and it knocks you back to the reality you are trying to escape. There was a situation that reminded me of something that used to happen years ago...and instead of blaming myself and thinking about how I wasn't worth that person's time...I stood up for myself and voiced my opinion. I made it known how I felt and I moved on from it. However, some people want to make me feel bad for letting it go...for not holding a grudge. And then...and then y'all...I got so in my head. I have been knocked back to self doubt and not being worthy thoughts.
If you know me you know I'm no stranger to having songs significantly impact my life in some way. In 2012 Sam Bradley published a YouTube video with his sister, Grace Lindsey, singing 'Only Human.' At that time I was still kind of ehh about Sam's music, but holy moly. That song touched my soul. "And oh, oh pick yourself up off the floor, put that drink down on the bar, we won't be here for long, I know a better place." I was still having a hard time with certain things and that song was just so reassuring. And hearing him play it live a few weeks later? Priceless. Then there's Bobby Long's 'Help You Mend.' I've talked about that song before. It truly helped me get through my brother's death. It still makes me cry when I hear him play it. There's been a few others by both of them, and others, that have really made a change in my life. Music is truly an important part of my life.
And then I heard Jana Kramer's new song 'Good Enough.' Y'all I cried. It made such an impression on me. And is a large part of why I reached out for a life coach. I know that getting a life coach isn't for everyone and that's fine. Just know you aren't alone. No matter what/how you're feeling someone else out there is feeling that same way.
Until next time lovely people.
XO
Kymber.
"There you go again, bringing me down
Making something out of nothing
Throwing around words, you know will hurt
Why you always fighting dirty?
...
Go on girl, now take a deep breath
You're getting caught up in the moment
It's nothing that you ain't been through
You just gotta know it's true
To be the one that you fight for
The one that you'd die for
I wanna, I wanna be
The one that you stand for
Reach out your hand for
I wanna, I wanna be
Good enough for me."
- Jana Kramer 'Good Enough'
So, to help sort this mess out and stop hating myself I have reached out to a life coach. Yes, you read that right. I never thought I'd be the person to reach out to a life coach...because I always thought it was for people that have more money than they know what to do with and are just a general mess. Obviously, that isn't true..because plenty of people have life coaches...they just don't necessarily talk about it. I had a 20 minute phone call last Saturday with her, and just that short conversation I felt like she totally understood because she had been there too. I've done the therapy thing...a few times...and I know what the sources of my issues are...but I still don't feel like I'm good enough for anyone. So I'm looking forward to having her help me out. I was actually supposed to have my first session with her today...but life happens and I needed new tires and it's been pushed back. I will definitely keep you up to date with that new adventure of my life. I'm really tired of the self loathing and overthinking. It's exhausting.
Continuing on with my physical health, I have been slacking the last few months due to my crazy schedule and what not. But, the last two weeks I've been pretty much on track again. I gained some of the weight I lost. I'm now working to lose that weight again and keep moving forward. When I was eating better and exercising more I felt so much better about myself. And I just felt better overall. Bu, then people say things that get in your head, joking or not, and it knocks you back to the reality you are trying to escape. There was a situation that reminded me of something that used to happen years ago...and instead of blaming myself and thinking about how I wasn't worth that person's time...I stood up for myself and voiced my opinion. I made it known how I felt and I moved on from it. However, some people want to make me feel bad for letting it go...for not holding a grudge. And then...and then y'all...I got so in my head. I have been knocked back to self doubt and not being worthy thoughts.
If you know me you know I'm no stranger to having songs significantly impact my life in some way. In 2012 Sam Bradley published a YouTube video with his sister, Grace Lindsey, singing 'Only Human.' At that time I was still kind of ehh about Sam's music, but holy moly. That song touched my soul. "And oh, oh pick yourself up off the floor, put that drink down on the bar, we won't be here for long, I know a better place." I was still having a hard time with certain things and that song was just so reassuring. And hearing him play it live a few weeks later? Priceless. Then there's Bobby Long's 'Help You Mend.' I've talked about that song before. It truly helped me get through my brother's death. It still makes me cry when I hear him play it. There's been a few others by both of them, and others, that have really made a change in my life. Music is truly an important part of my life.
And then I heard Jana Kramer's new song 'Good Enough.' Y'all I cried. It made such an impression on me. And is a large part of why I reached out for a life coach. I know that getting a life coach isn't for everyone and that's fine. Just know you aren't alone. No matter what/how you're feeling someone else out there is feeling that same way.
Until next time lovely people.
XO
Kymber.
"There you go again, bringing me down
Making something out of nothing
Throwing around words, you know will hurt
Why you always fighting dirty?
...
Go on girl, now take a deep breath
You're getting caught up in the moment
It's nothing that you ain't been through
You just gotta know it's true
To be the one that you fight for
The one that you'd die for
I wanna, I wanna be
The one that you stand for
Reach out your hand for
I wanna, I wanna be
Good enough for me."
- Jana Kramer 'Good Enough'
Saturday, June 29, 2019
I Had This Picture in my Head
Hello blogger world! I'm back. Updates: I have not weighed myself just yet. I'm waiting to see if I met my goal for the month of June on Monday. If I didn't...well, I will be slightly upset with myself but I will push forward and keep working hard. I also started a new Instagram account (@Kymberworkinprogress) to share my weight loss journey with the world. So many people have been so encouraging and kind...it really means a lot to me! <3
I've learned a lot this month about my eating habits and how I used to just eat empty calories out of boredom or stress. I've been channeling that energy into other activities, such as going through everything at my apartment and tossing a lot of stuff. And my apartment is still a mess. Penelope (my dog) and I have been going on longer walks lately. I've been trying to bump up my physical activity. I have also decided I'm going to do a bunch of squats a day. All of this hard work needs to lead to me gaining a booty. It's something I have hated my entire life...especially when my younger sister would point out the fact that I do not have a butt. That's just another added goal in this journey.
I had dinner with a friend last night and we laughed so much. It was definitely a dinner I needed to have. We were talking about my weight loss progress and I explained to her how I am hoping to lose all of the weight I want to by my 29th birthday. (Also, side note...I'm getting old you guys. I turn 28 in a few months time...when did that happen?) That thought...of being my goal weight by my next birthday...it's so crazy to think about. But, it's totally doable. Even with the days that are harder for me...and I cave by eating a couple pieces of pizza at work or a donut (or two) when they are brought for breakfast...I'm going to be able to get back on the right way of eating and working out. I follow several people on Instagram that have lost so much weight. They are truly inspirational to me. One of them posts a before and after photo with the caption "What would happen if this time you didn't quit?" WOW. Right? I have tired to lose weight several times over the years...for superficial reasons...I wanted to wear cute clothes, get asked out by the cute boy at school, feel like maybe I was someone that somebody would want to love and just to try and be normal...to fit in. This time? This time I'm doing it for me. To feel better and be healthier.
So, even if I don't reach my goal of losing another 10 lbs this month...next month is a new month. I know how to do better and stay on track. And I'm not kicking myself over the days I stray to eating something I shouldn't. It's all a learning process and I'm getting there.
If you check my Instagram account you'll see two photos I took to compare my progress. One was from November and the other from just the other day...I was blown away. It's hard to see progress when you look at yourself every day. But comparing pictures from months apart...it was exciting to see the difference!
Here's to hoping I reached my goal for the month...and if not...here's to making July the best month yet!
Until next time beautiful people. I love you like mad.
XO
Kymber.
"I had this picture in my head
Of where I ought to be and when
But it's just like the good advice that John gave when he said,
'Life, it happens while we're busy making plans.'
I'd rather make sandcastles
Instead of these wide-world decisions
I knew, I knew it all was catching up to me, yeah
And I don't have a plan at all
But I got this six string religion
And I do, I do believe a song can heal me
It's enough for me, yeah"
Kate Voegele, Sandcastles from Gravity Happens
I've learned a lot this month about my eating habits and how I used to just eat empty calories out of boredom or stress. I've been channeling that energy into other activities, such as going through everything at my apartment and tossing a lot of stuff. And my apartment is still a mess. Penelope (my dog) and I have been going on longer walks lately. I've been trying to bump up my physical activity. I have also decided I'm going to do a bunch of squats a day. All of this hard work needs to lead to me gaining a booty. It's something I have hated my entire life...especially when my younger sister would point out the fact that I do not have a butt. That's just another added goal in this journey.
I had dinner with a friend last night and we laughed so much. It was definitely a dinner I needed to have. We were talking about my weight loss progress and I explained to her how I am hoping to lose all of the weight I want to by my 29th birthday. (Also, side note...I'm getting old you guys. I turn 28 in a few months time...when did that happen?) That thought...of being my goal weight by my next birthday...it's so crazy to think about. But, it's totally doable. Even with the days that are harder for me...and I cave by eating a couple pieces of pizza at work or a donut (or two) when they are brought for breakfast...I'm going to be able to get back on the right way of eating and working out. I follow several people on Instagram that have lost so much weight. They are truly inspirational to me. One of them posts a before and after photo with the caption "What would happen if this time you didn't quit?" WOW. Right? I have tired to lose weight several times over the years...for superficial reasons...I wanted to wear cute clothes, get asked out by the cute boy at school, feel like maybe I was someone that somebody would want to love and just to try and be normal...to fit in. This time? This time I'm doing it for me. To feel better and be healthier.
So, even if I don't reach my goal of losing another 10 lbs this month...next month is a new month. I know how to do better and stay on track. And I'm not kicking myself over the days I stray to eating something I shouldn't. It's all a learning process and I'm getting there.
If you check my Instagram account you'll see two photos I took to compare my progress. One was from November and the other from just the other day...I was blown away. It's hard to see progress when you look at yourself every day. But comparing pictures from months apart...it was exciting to see the difference!
Here's to hoping I reached my goal for the month...and if not...here's to making July the best month yet!
Until next time beautiful people. I love you like mad.
XO
Kymber.
"I had this picture in my head
Of where I ought to be and when
But it's just like the good advice that John gave when he said,
'Life, it happens while we're busy making plans.'
I'd rather make sandcastles
Instead of these wide-world decisions
I knew, I knew it all was catching up to me, yeah
And I don't have a plan at all
But I got this six string religion
And I do, I do believe a song can heal me
It's enough for me, yeah"
Kate Voegele, Sandcastles from Gravity Happens
Sunday, June 23, 2019
To Be Yourself is All That You Can Do
Well blogger world I am here to tell you I have not lost anymore weight this week. But, I also made some bad food choices. I let myself have a free day on the 14th...and I woke up the next day feeling like I was hit by a bus. It was so bad I thought about calling out of work. The lesson here? Don't eat all the food on free day. I didn't eat that much, but I didn't eat anything healthy either.
So, I decided I would only eat a free meal on my designated free days. I feel like that is the healthier option for me at this point. But, I have learned my lesson and figured out what will work best for me. However, it has been harder to stay on the meal plan since the 14th because I have just wanted to give in to my unhealthy food desires. Tomorrow I am starting back at being strict on what I'm eating. I want to lose another 6 lbs by July 1st to keep my goals on track. I want to average losing 10 lbs a month so I can be down 100 lbs by the end of December. WHAT. I know. Crazy, right? I can't even imagine how much better I will feel when I get to that point. That will be where I was 6 years ago. Which means I have averaged gaining a little over 16 lbs/year since then. Which, doesn't seem like a lot until you add it together and boom, here I am.
I do feel so much better already. Pants that used to be a little too tight now are loose. And that blows my mind. Some days I can tell the difference, and other days I can't. However, that just means I need to keep going. People have told me I just look like I feel better. That I have a spark back in my eyes that they either haven't seen in a while, or haven't seen at all. Which is nice to hear.
I'm feeling more like myself at times. Recently everything in my apartment has been causing me all sorts of anxiety. My picture wall has been taken down, I've tossed 3 bags full of random things and I'm about to pull my couch out of my apartment and to the county dump as soon as I have access to a truck. That will leave me with an over sized chair and ottoman. Until I find a couch or futon that I like enough to pay for. I'm trying to just...free up space in my life...physically and mentally.
I've found my voice again too. I've decided that I don't want to be a pushover anymore...again. There have been times in my life when I have let people treat me any type of way they want. And I have accepted it, because that is how I thought I deserved to be treated. 27 year old Kymber wishes I could go back in time and slap some sense into 17 year old Kymber. I could have saved myself a lot of pain. Then again I wouldn't be who I am today without those painful experiences. Anyways, I have been honest about how I feel, whether people like it or not. I hope that doesn't burn any bridges with people I genuinely care about...but I can't let those people treat me however they want and get away with it. I deserve some respect dang it. Why is that so difficult nowadays?
So...this is me world. Like that old Lady Sovereign song Sarah and I used to sing during our down time at Domino's 12 years go..."Love me or hate me, it's still an obsession...love me or hate me, that is the question...If you love me than, thank you...if you hate me than F you." HA! That's a blast from the past for sure. Good times.
Anyways, I've been thinking about starting a Facebook page for people to follow my weight loss journey...because I don't want to be one of those annoying people that everyone hates. If you think I should do that, let me know! I'm all about keeping everyone updated on my mental and physical changes if you want. I feel like not enough people use their stories to help others like they should.
One of my high school teachers has this heart breaking story that he turned into a book. (To Be the King of Diamonds by Walter Ryan Adams) I was thinking about it the other day and how it changed my life when I was going through similar struggles. I even wrote a long email to him years ago telling him what his story did for me and how I hope that my story can help someone half as much as his story helped me. I may not have a class full of teenagers to tell my story to once a year and I haven't written a book...but maybe this blog is reaching someone that needs it. Maybe the person that needs to read these words hasn't found this blog yet...maybe nobody will need to read any of this. But, what if they do?
If you are interested in reading To Be the King of Diamonds, you can find it here.
Until next time beautiful people. Love you like mad.
XO
Kymber.
"Even when you've paid enough
Been pulled apart or been held up
Every single memory of the good or bad
Faces of luck
Don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose.
But to be yourself is all that you can do
Yeahhh...
To be yourself is all that you can do"
Audioslave - Be Yourself
So, I decided I would only eat a free meal on my designated free days. I feel like that is the healthier option for me at this point. But, I have learned my lesson and figured out what will work best for me. However, it has been harder to stay on the meal plan since the 14th because I have just wanted to give in to my unhealthy food desires. Tomorrow I am starting back at being strict on what I'm eating. I want to lose another 6 lbs by July 1st to keep my goals on track. I want to average losing 10 lbs a month so I can be down 100 lbs by the end of December. WHAT. I know. Crazy, right? I can't even imagine how much better I will feel when I get to that point. That will be where I was 6 years ago. Which means I have averaged gaining a little over 16 lbs/year since then. Which, doesn't seem like a lot until you add it together and boom, here I am.
I do feel so much better already. Pants that used to be a little too tight now are loose. And that blows my mind. Some days I can tell the difference, and other days I can't. However, that just means I need to keep going. People have told me I just look like I feel better. That I have a spark back in my eyes that they either haven't seen in a while, or haven't seen at all. Which is nice to hear.
I'm feeling more like myself at times. Recently everything in my apartment has been causing me all sorts of anxiety. My picture wall has been taken down, I've tossed 3 bags full of random things and I'm about to pull my couch out of my apartment and to the county dump as soon as I have access to a truck. That will leave me with an over sized chair and ottoman. Until I find a couch or futon that I like enough to pay for. I'm trying to just...free up space in my life...physically and mentally.
I've found my voice again too. I've decided that I don't want to be a pushover anymore...again. There have been times in my life when I have let people treat me any type of way they want. And I have accepted it, because that is how I thought I deserved to be treated. 27 year old Kymber wishes I could go back in time and slap some sense into 17 year old Kymber. I could have saved myself a lot of pain. Then again I wouldn't be who I am today without those painful experiences. Anyways, I have been honest about how I feel, whether people like it or not. I hope that doesn't burn any bridges with people I genuinely care about...but I can't let those people treat me however they want and get away with it. I deserve some respect dang it. Why is that so difficult nowadays?
So...this is me world. Like that old Lady Sovereign song Sarah and I used to sing during our down time at Domino's 12 years go..."Love me or hate me, it's still an obsession...love me or hate me, that is the question...If you love me than, thank you...if you hate me than F you." HA! That's a blast from the past for sure. Good times.
Anyways, I've been thinking about starting a Facebook page for people to follow my weight loss journey...because I don't want to be one of those annoying people that everyone hates. If you think I should do that, let me know! I'm all about keeping everyone updated on my mental and physical changes if you want. I feel like not enough people use their stories to help others like they should.
One of my high school teachers has this heart breaking story that he turned into a book. (To Be the King of Diamonds by Walter Ryan Adams) I was thinking about it the other day and how it changed my life when I was going through similar struggles. I even wrote a long email to him years ago telling him what his story did for me and how I hope that my story can help someone half as much as his story helped me. I may not have a class full of teenagers to tell my story to once a year and I haven't written a book...but maybe this blog is reaching someone that needs it. Maybe the person that needs to read these words hasn't found this blog yet...maybe nobody will need to read any of this. But, what if they do?
If you are interested in reading To Be the King of Diamonds, you can find it here.
Until next time beautiful people. Love you like mad.
XO
Kymber.
"Even when you've paid enough
Been pulled apart or been held up
Every single memory of the good or bad
Faces of luck
Don't lose any sleep tonight
I'm sure everything will end up alright
You may win or lose.
But to be yourself is all that you can do
Yeahhh...
To be yourself is all that you can do"
Audioslave - Be Yourself
Tuesday, June 11, 2019
We Have Fire on Our Burnt Skin...
Week one has officially come to an end! Week one of eating what my aunt does...with a couple cheat meals in the mix. And I lost 2lbs! (27 lbs in total now!) I feel like if I had added in more exercise or not over done it on the couple of cheats I would have lost a lot more...so, I'm trying for that this week.
I've decided every pay day is going to be my "free" day. Well, free to an extent. On the few times I have over done it I just feel so sick to my stomach. Which I feel is progress. I used to have to eat SO much to feel sick...and now I don't eat that much out of what I have been and BAM. Stomach ache. Now to just train my mind to remember how it feels when I go too overboard. Which I guess is my new normal.
My mom used to tell my siblings and I that all the time. "This is our new normal...we just have to get used to it." I hated to look at it that way though. When my parents got divorced and I was angry at the world I really hated it. When my brother died and I was completely shattered...well I hated it then too. I didn't want to accept these life changing events as normal. Which I know the situations weren't normal, but the idea that it was MY new normal wasn't something I wanted to accept. But here I am 10+ years later and using my mom's phrase. Who would have thought?
This week's title comes from a song that has meant so much to my soul. "We have fire on our burnt skin and it will heal before you have to feel that again...I will help you mend." Every time Bobby Long plays this song live I cry. It meant a lot to me before Nick died...but after he died? I can't accurately put into words the profound effect this song has had on me. I love that song so much I have handwritten lyrics hanging up in my living room. If I ever get a tattoo it will be lyrics from that song.
I say these things because they are things that have helped me over the last 10+ years. My mom's (at times) annoyingly positive attitude and music that heals the soul have impacted my life more than I would have ever imagined.
When my mom would drop me off at school she would tell me every day I was brilliant. She told all of us we were brilliant. I would roll my eyes and say whatever mom and walk into the school. On the other end of the spectrum I was teased and told different things in a joking manner that weren't always nice. Those are the things that have stuck in my mind. I mean sometimes I feel like I'm brilliant...and other times I feel like a failure. Like I'm never going to be good enough for anyone or anything. Which...again, I'm working on these issues. I'm trying to figure out how to focus on the positives and quiet the negative voices in my head.
It hasn't been the easiest week. I have wanted to eat all the ice cream and cry a couple of times this week...but I didn't. And that my friends is progress. I was in a situation that left me feeling like 19 year old me...and 19 year old me would have grabbed some fast food and ice cream to cope with the feelings that I was having. Instead I came home, cuddled up with my dog and watched something on Netflix. I used to say that the only men that had never disappointed me were my grandpa and Ben & Jerry....and now I can't turn to them. And I didn't! So, small victories matter. :)
Thank you to everyone that has been so supportive and kind during this weight loss journey I'm taking. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. <3
Until next time beautiful people. I love you like mad.
XO
Kymber.
"We have tough breaks, we have people to face, we have time before you have to feel that again. We have fire on our burnt skin and it will heal before you have to feel that again...I will help you mend."
- Bobby Long, Help You Mend, Wishbone
I've decided every pay day is going to be my "free" day. Well, free to an extent. On the few times I have over done it I just feel so sick to my stomach. Which I feel is progress. I used to have to eat SO much to feel sick...and now I don't eat that much out of what I have been and BAM. Stomach ache. Now to just train my mind to remember how it feels when I go too overboard. Which I guess is my new normal.
My mom used to tell my siblings and I that all the time. "This is our new normal...we just have to get used to it." I hated to look at it that way though. When my parents got divorced and I was angry at the world I really hated it. When my brother died and I was completely shattered...well I hated it then too. I didn't want to accept these life changing events as normal. Which I know the situations weren't normal, but the idea that it was MY new normal wasn't something I wanted to accept. But here I am 10+ years later and using my mom's phrase. Who would have thought?
This week's title comes from a song that has meant so much to my soul. "We have fire on our burnt skin and it will heal before you have to feel that again...I will help you mend." Every time Bobby Long plays this song live I cry. It meant a lot to me before Nick died...but after he died? I can't accurately put into words the profound effect this song has had on me. I love that song so much I have handwritten lyrics hanging up in my living room. If I ever get a tattoo it will be lyrics from that song.
I say these things because they are things that have helped me over the last 10+ years. My mom's (at times) annoyingly positive attitude and music that heals the soul have impacted my life more than I would have ever imagined.
When my mom would drop me off at school she would tell me every day I was brilliant. She told all of us we were brilliant. I would roll my eyes and say whatever mom and walk into the school. On the other end of the spectrum I was teased and told different things in a joking manner that weren't always nice. Those are the things that have stuck in my mind. I mean sometimes I feel like I'm brilliant...and other times I feel like a failure. Like I'm never going to be good enough for anyone or anything. Which...again, I'm working on these issues. I'm trying to figure out how to focus on the positives and quiet the negative voices in my head.
It hasn't been the easiest week. I have wanted to eat all the ice cream and cry a couple of times this week...but I didn't. And that my friends is progress. I was in a situation that left me feeling like 19 year old me...and 19 year old me would have grabbed some fast food and ice cream to cope with the feelings that I was having. Instead I came home, cuddled up with my dog and watched something on Netflix. I used to say that the only men that had never disappointed me were my grandpa and Ben & Jerry....and now I can't turn to them. And I didn't! So, small victories matter. :)
Thank you to everyone that has been so supportive and kind during this weight loss journey I'm taking. I appreciate it more than you will ever know. <3
Until next time beautiful people. I love you like mad.
XO
Kymber.
"We have tough breaks, we have people to face, we have time before you have to feel that again. We have fire on our burnt skin and it will heal before you have to feel that again...I will help you mend."
- Bobby Long, Help You Mend, Wishbone
Monday, June 3, 2019
Take a Minute if You Need It...
Helloooo blogger world! It's been another week..and here I am keeping up with my promise to myself. Doing things that make me happy. Apparently baring my soul to the internet makes me happy. I feel like that might be something to unpack with my future therapist.
So, Saturday I started a new way of eating. I don't like the word diet because I always end up failing those. My aunt that lives in Oklahoma is such an inspiration when it comes to losing weight, keeping it off and just being an overall fit BAMF. Since I used to live down the street from her, she's the aunt that I have spent the most time with in my 27 years of life. She was always down to have fun and cook whatever. I remember she once told me to never trust a skinny cook, except for her, because you knew they weren't eating their own food. I still hold on to that bit of information when the time comes.
All of that background on my aunt to say, I have decided to try and eat like her. She's so skinny right now it's ridiculous. I admire her will power and determination. We'll see if I'll be able to keep up that same attitude. I have a long way to go before I reach my goal weight....but I'm down 25 lbs! I'm hoping this new way of eating will help me reach those goals. I have a long term plan, but I'm trying not to put the cart before the horse. Which if you know me isn't the easiest thing for me to do. I like to have a plan. I'm not very spontaneous. I'm trying to work on that though.
Being in my head is not always the easiest thing, and everything that could possibly go wrong in any situation goes through my mind. That can lead to an overwhelming sense of anxiety. However I was able to let go of any of my anxious thoughts and be convinced to jump in a pool at 2:00AM. And let me tell you guys something, it was one of the most relaxing, fun things I have ever done...despite still being in my jeans.
I know there needs to be a balance between caution and spontaneity. I haven't really been living and enjoying life. One day I'll get this whole balance thing worked out. But, until then I'm just trying to work on being more spontaneous and being healthier mentally and physically.
My goal is to have lost another 30lbs by the time my high school reunion comes around. And then I'm going to treat myself to a cute outfit to wear and see some of my old classmates. That is my 3 month goal right now. 10 pounds a month is doable. I've done it before...I can do it again.
I'll be sure to update you guys next week on how this new way of eating is going!
Until next time beautiful people.
I love you like mad!
XO
Kymber.
"Take a minute, if you need it
and stop breathing; only human
let us see that hopeful smile that you once wore.
and oh, oh pick yourself up off the floor
put that drink down on the bar
we won't be here for long
and oh, oh pick yourself up off the floor
put that drink down on the bar
we won't be here for long:
I know a better place."
- Sam Bradley, Only Human
Monday, May 27, 2019
How Long Can I Let Myself Be a Burden?
Recently I have started being serious about my weight loss journey. So I can be healthier and happier and maybe find someone to settle down with... That's why I'm 27 and still single, right? Who could love the fat girl? All I have to do is lose the weight I want, get the eventually get the skin removal surgery and possible boob job and be happy. Find the happiness I've been missing since Nick died. Be society's version of beautiful. Then...well, then I won't have my anxiety issues and I won't be terrified of dying alone. Well, except for my dogs and/or cats.
Ridiculous line of thinking...right? In the back of my mind I have always known that won't solve my issues. I'm going to have to work on my mental health as well as my physical health. Which means going back to therapy in some way. I have so many people in my life that tell me how beautiful and amazing I am...but it's hard to believe that for whatever reason. Last night had a frank conversation with someone and they explained to me that they fully support me in my journey to be healthy, but no matter how much I change on the outside, I'll never be able to get the thoughts out of my head that I have now. Well, without the help of a professional. To hear your fears expressed verbally from someone that doesn't know that's what you're thinking is a rude awakening.
My mental health is just as important as my physical health. If I can't get to a better place mentally, I will always feel like the unlovable fat girl. I get a lot of this is my anxiety talking. I do. I just need to work on focusing on the positives in my life.
I have been trying to figure out what still makes me happy, other than food. Obviously food has been my comfort of choice for years. If it wasn't I wouldn't be a size 26 right now. I used to love updating this blog. I love writing. I'm confident in my writing abilities. So, what better way to get back into the habit of doing things that make me happy than starting back with this blog?
I'm going to take you guys on the mental and physical health journey with me. Some days will be ugly, most days will be ugly. I'm setting a goal of posting something at least once a week. I want to be able to get back into writing again. I want to find the things that make me happy again. I live my life day to day getting by...and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling the way I do. The first steps have already been taken...I have acknowledged the issues I have and I'm going to work on improving myself. I am going to be a better version of myself. Healthier in every way possible.
I love you all so much. The last 6 years have been so difficult. Some days are harder than others...but knowing that you are there for me...well, it means more to me than I can possibly express. I know I tend to self-destruct and push people away. I'm trying to not push everyone away...but only time will tell.
It's time to get better. Mentally and physically. It's going to be an interesting adventure. Maybe my story will help someone along the way. Let's do this thing.
Until next time beautiful people. Love you like mad.
XO
Kymber.
"I am wounded. I am hurt. I am done pretending to work. I am injured. I'm in pain. I have suffered so much, suffered so much. I am drained. How long can I let myself be a burden? It effects everything I touch." - Sam Bradley 'Wounded' from the album "When You Love Someone"
Thursday, February 28, 2019
I Never Promised You a Ray of Light
Oh blogger world. It has been a while since I've posted anything or even thought about posting anything. It seems that as April 6th gets closer...I get a little more...crazy? Maybe crazy isn't the right word...but that's definitely how I feel at the moment.
This year marks the 6th anniversary of Nick's death. I'm not even sure how to begin explaining how typing that sentence makes me feel. Has it really been that long since I last heard him tell a goofy joke? Since the last time we had an argument? How is that even possible? Some days it feels like it was just yesterday that he was here....and then other days it feels like he was never really here. Which is crazy because obviously he was here. I wouldn't miss him if he wasn't here.
I miss the days we would spend just watching our favorite shows and movies together. I miss his...interesting advice, for example he told me to never go to a club or else I would get raped. I'm not much of a club person anyways, so no worries there I guess. I miss dancing with him in the kitchen. I miss the boy advice. I just miss everything really. I really love that kid.
I've also been thinking a lot about what we dream for our futures is not where we end up. When I was a kid I wanted to be a singer, then I realized I couldn't sing, so I wanted to be an actress, and then I realized I wasn't really that great at that...so I just wanted to get married and have kids and be a stay at home wife and mom. Then I met the reality of trying to date anyone. And let me tell you guys something...dating is literally the worst thing in the world. Most men I come across are super sleazy and I have standards for myself. But, then every once in a while a guy will come along and surprise me...be attractive and not a complete jerk. And then the dreaded f word comes out of their mouth. What f word am I talking about? The friend word. It can be extremely annoying and bring down my self esteem big time. Why am I not good enough to date? Why is hanging out with me acceptable, but nothing else?
But, these are toxic thoughts. Thoughts that can completely destroy a person. Honestly, these thoughts might have a lot to do with the crazy feelings. Which is stupid. Last night this little girl I have known since she was born kept calling herself stupid and a loser. I told her she needed to stop talking about my friend that way. I don't understand why we automatically put ourselves down. She's not even 10 and she's already putting herself down like that. What makes us want to lift others up and see the good in them...but not ourselves? Why does it only get worse as we get older? And why do I feel like a man wanting to date me is a defining self worth moment? It doesn't make any sense. Friends are great. If the guy I want to date just wants to be my friend...so what? Isn't it less drama filled that way?
I don't know the answers. I feel as though I'm lost 75% of the time. If this is what the rest of adulthood is going to be like...I want a refund and to be a kid again please and thank you.
Until next time lovely people. Stay amazing.
xo
Kymber
This year marks the 6th anniversary of Nick's death. I'm not even sure how to begin explaining how typing that sentence makes me feel. Has it really been that long since I last heard him tell a goofy joke? Since the last time we had an argument? How is that even possible? Some days it feels like it was just yesterday that he was here....and then other days it feels like he was never really here. Which is crazy because obviously he was here. I wouldn't miss him if he wasn't here.
I miss the days we would spend just watching our favorite shows and movies together. I miss his...interesting advice, for example he told me to never go to a club or else I would get raped. I'm not much of a club person anyways, so no worries there I guess. I miss dancing with him in the kitchen. I miss the boy advice. I just miss everything really. I really love that kid.
I've also been thinking a lot about what we dream for our futures is not where we end up. When I was a kid I wanted to be a singer, then I realized I couldn't sing, so I wanted to be an actress, and then I realized I wasn't really that great at that...so I just wanted to get married and have kids and be a stay at home wife and mom. Then I met the reality of trying to date anyone. And let me tell you guys something...dating is literally the worst thing in the world. Most men I come across are super sleazy and I have standards for myself. But, then every once in a while a guy will come along and surprise me...be attractive and not a complete jerk. And then the dreaded f word comes out of their mouth. What f word am I talking about? The friend word. It can be extremely annoying and bring down my self esteem big time. Why am I not good enough to date? Why is hanging out with me acceptable, but nothing else?
But, these are toxic thoughts. Thoughts that can completely destroy a person. Honestly, these thoughts might have a lot to do with the crazy feelings. Which is stupid. Last night this little girl I have known since she was born kept calling herself stupid and a loser. I told her she needed to stop talking about my friend that way. I don't understand why we automatically put ourselves down. She's not even 10 and she's already putting herself down like that. What makes us want to lift others up and see the good in them...but not ourselves? Why does it only get worse as we get older? And why do I feel like a man wanting to date me is a defining self worth moment? It doesn't make any sense. Friends are great. If the guy I want to date just wants to be my friend...so what? Isn't it less drama filled that way?
I don't know the answers. I feel as though I'm lost 75% of the time. If this is what the rest of adulthood is going to be like...I want a refund and to be a kid again please and thank you.
Until next time lovely people. Stay amazing.
xo
Kymber
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