The past couple of months have been really hard. Addison's cancer turned my world upside down. And I haven't been the same sense. Honestly, I was changing a little before then...but Addison's health pushed that further than I ever thought possible.
In my World History of Film from the 1960s class we watched a movie called 'Cleo From 5 to 7', it's a French film about this singer who discovers that she might have cancer. She has to wait to get the test results back until 7. Hence the 5 to 7 part of the title. She goes about the next two hours being whiny, bratty, depressed, etc. She's very spoiled, but so many people that live a privileged life are spoiled. But, she wants to be away from everyone and she cries a lot. A friend of mine and his friend didn't like Cleo. They thought she was too whiny and she needed to get over it and not be so rude. Which, I understand to an extent. She was extremely spoiled and could have done things a little differently. But, they voiced their opinions and last night I voiced mine. I said that I thought the movie was okay because I understand that. Waiting for that kind of news isn't easy. We had to wait until Monday, after we found out on Saturday, what exactly they were going to do about Addison's tumor. We had to wait for the results to come back to see what stage she was at. That was the worst week of my life. I have never felt so helpless before in my life. I cried all the time. I didn't want to really talk to anybody. I wanted to be at the hospital by my sister's side the whole time. I was short with a lot of people. It was awful. Now, said friend didn't know this was going on due to a broken phone. So, he doesn't know what I was like that whole week. Trust me, I was not a pleasant person to be around if you weren't family. I was a complete mess when I wasn't at the hospital. I put on a brave front, but I'm not so brave. It kills me to think that Addison's going to lose her hair. That she's got to go through all this pain and suffering and not have a clue as to why she feels the way she does. But, said friend made a comment, I think he was trying to make it a joke...but it wasn't funny. It really hit a nerve. I cry so much for my poor little niece. I want to tell people to screw their happiness and just live in my own miserable bubble. But, like this blog is titled, Fake Smiles and Rehearsed Words...that's how I get through many days.
I'm tired of putting on the smiles that mean nothing. The empty laughter. Some days there is a lot of real smiles and full laughter. I guess it's all just part of life. Sometimes you are super happy and things are going well, other times...not so much. I kind of just want to disappear for a while. Get out of Alabama and go...anywhere. Like the Natalie Portman movie, 'Anywhere but Here.' I need a vacation. Not only away from my house. But, away from so many people. It's becoming more and more clear who my real friends are. Who I'm going to keep in touch with after college...and that list keeps getting smaller.
I love you all. I do. If you take the time to read my blog you are important to me. :) Please, please be appreciative of your good health. Please. You don't realize how much you have until you go through an awful event. But, be thoughtful to others and the circumstances they are in that you may know about. You can't begin to understand what they are going through.
Until next time my lovely readers.
XO
Kymber.
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