How do mom's know EVERYTHING? I mean last night I'm talking to my mother, during another one of my many breakdowns, and she just knew something about a friend of mine and how I've been feeling lately...and I just don't know how she knew. I haven't told her anything really about that stuff. Now she'll know. Because I'm pretty sure my mom is one of the few people who actually read this blog. Ha! *insert crazy wave 'hi mom' here* I swear she has like a super power or something. Geeze.
But, she made some good points last night. I am so wrapped up in wanting to do so much for others that I haven't taken any time for myself. I don't focus on me. I have done so much for everyone else. I need to do what's best for me. I need to focus on school and getting through college to be able to go out into the world and hopefully do what I want.
I just feel like I want to please everyone. I love seeing someone smile because I made them some food or just made their day better. I may not like the situation I am in now, but I feel so privileged to have grown up with the family I have. We may not get along all the time and I may not be so close with all of my siblings but I know that they will be there for me. No matter what. We have been through so much in the past few years and have gotten so close. We have had to depend on each other to be there to hold us up when we needed it. My parents divorce may not be the best thing in the world for us financially...but it brought us all together. I don't completely hate my older siblings like I used to feel like I did. I look up to both of them.
I am so proud to call them my siblings. Neither one of them probably read this....but, oh well. I used to hate being referred to as Jeff or Ashley's little sister. I haven't been called that in so long. But I feel like if I were to be referred to that now I would say that I was their sister with pride. Even though to some that might not be the best thing in the world. But to me....it has become so much. I hope one day to be able to find a guy who will love and care for me as much as my brother does for his wife. He's an amazing father to my sweet niece. She just adores him. And, if one day I am blessed to have a family of my own I hope that my kids will have an amazing dad.
My older sister. Gosh. Where so I start with her? She used to be the sibling I wouldn't want to be around because more times than not it would end in a fight between the two of us. But, now? She's an amazing mom to my niece. She works so hard to be able to provide for her and she's good at what she does. She has become one of the people I am closest to. I know, anyone who knew how me and her were will be in shock at reading this, but it's the truth. She's been there for me so many times. I can vent to her about boys and work and friends and she listens. Like, actually listens. I never thought that I would be able to go to her with things that were bothering me and not get made fun of. But, here we are. I talk to her almost every week. I end up going to she her at work at least once a week it feels like. Who would have thought? I sure wouldn't have 6 years ago. I would have laughed in your face and told you to get off whatever drugs you were taking. I appreciate her so very much.
I don't really say a whole lot of this to either sibling. They are both huge examples to me. And I love them both so much. I hope that I can one day be seen by my younger siblings the way I see my older ones.
I am determined to focus on me. On what makes me happy. So far, I haven't really found it. I love being around little kids. There is just so much innocence there...you know? To them anything is possible! Their imaginations are incredible. This one little girl told my sister-in-law that they were going to be pirates together and have a boat to go find spoons. I mean, how do they come up with these things? It is so precious. I love their energy. I love the fact that their biggest issue is sharing. They either steal the toy away from someone or they are the ones who get it taken from them. Yet, five seconds later they are completely happy with another toy and all is forgotten. I wish we could still be like that sometimes. Be able to jump from sad to happy in an instant. The world would be a much better place if that were the case. We need to focus on things that make us happy. Like these little kids who either get their toy back or find a new one and move on. That's what we need to do. If things don't go as we want or we focus on what others have and be jealous of that we'll lose ourselves.
I encourage you to focus on you. If you haven't focused on you in a while now is the time to do it! Enjoy life. Like I'm going to try to do. I need to figure out who I am and what I want to do. I need to move on with my life and not dwell on getting my "toy" taken from me. I need to be me. And not put so much effort into people who don't deserve what I can give. I need to save my best for the people who give me their best. So much of my time has been wasted on people who don't deserve more than a passing glance. So, here's to new beginnings. Here's to figuring out who we are. And here's to finding it in yourself to love who you are. And to be able to share the amazing person you are with the rest of the world. Because one day, it could be soon or it could be years from now, someone is going to need to hear your story. And you will make a difference. You never know when the opportunity may arise. But, it will. And they'll need you like you need someone along your journey.
I love you all like mad. Hope you are starting to get in the Christmas spirit! I know I am! :D I love Christmas, everyone is so nice and happy. It's truly a magical time. I promise to post a Christmas update soon! :D And....if you are trying to figure out a Christmas gift for me...well.....let's just say I'd be happy with Kellan Lutz wearing a big red bow under my grandparent's tree. Or Bobby Long. I love them both. hehehehe ;)
XO
Kymber.
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