I Never Promised You a Ray of Light

Oh blogger world. It has been a while since I've posted anything or even thought about posting anything. It seems that as April 6th gets closer...I get a little more...crazy? Maybe crazy isn't the right word...but that's definitely how I feel at the moment.

This year marks the 6th anniversary of Nick's death. I'm not even sure how to begin explaining how typing that sentence makes me feel. Has it really been that long since I last heard him tell a goofy joke? Since the last time we had an argument? How is that even possible? Some days it feels like it was just yesterday that he was here....and then other days it feels like he was never really here. Which is crazy because obviously he was here. I wouldn't miss him if he wasn't here.

I miss the days we would spend just watching our favorite shows and movies together. I miss his...interesting advice, for example he told me to never go to a club or else I would get raped. I'm not much of a club person anyways, so no worries there I guess. I miss dancing with him in the kitchen. I miss the boy advice. I just miss everything really. I really love that kid.

I've also been thinking a lot about what we dream for our futures is not where we end up. When I was a kid I wanted to be a singer, then I realized I couldn't sing, so I wanted to be an actress, and then I realized I wasn't really that great at that...so I just wanted to get married and have kids and be a stay at home wife and mom. Then I met the reality of trying to date anyone. And let me tell you guys something...dating is literally the worst thing in the world. Most men I come across are super sleazy and I have standards for myself. But, then every once in a while a guy will come along and surprise me...be attractive and not a complete jerk. And then the dreaded f word comes out of their mouth. What f word am I talking about? The friend word. It can be extremely annoying and bring down my self esteem big time. Why am I not good enough to date? Why is hanging out with me acceptable, but nothing else?

But, these are toxic thoughts. Thoughts that can completely destroy a person. Honestly, these thoughts might have a lot to do with the crazy feelings. Which is stupid. Last night this little girl I have known since she was born kept calling herself stupid and a loser. I told her she needed to stop talking about my friend that way. I don't understand why we automatically put ourselves down. She's not even 10 and she's already putting herself down like that. What makes us want to lift others up and see the good in them...but not ourselves? Why does it only get worse as we get older? And why do I feel like a man wanting to date me is a defining self worth moment? It doesn't make any sense. Friends are great. If the guy I want to date just wants to be my friend...so what? Isn't it less drama filled that way?

I don't know the answers. I feel as though I'm lost 75% of the time. If this is what the rest of adulthood is going to be like...I want a refund and to be a kid again please and thank you.

Until next time lovely people. Stay amazing.

xo

Kymber