So, I've been thinking a lot this weekend on relationships and all that wonderful stuff...and thinking about the past and mistakes I've made. And I just have to put this out there before my head goes crazy (or well...more crazy than normal).
Since April I have stopped talking to a lot of people. One person in particular...I should have just stopped talking to after I graduated from high school. But, too little too late. I would say to myself so many times...'okay Kymber..this is it..you're done with him you're never going to talk to him ever again, etc.' But, I somehow always caved and started talking to him and trying so hard to get out of that stupid friend zone. And where did that leave me you ask? Brokenhearted over and over again. So, why did I keep going back to talking to him when I knew he was only going to hurt me? I have no freaking clue. Stupid idea on my part. I think a big part of it was because of how he treated me in high school and how important he made me feel. I would hold on to those great memories and forget all the crappy things he'd done to me. I would tell my friend that I was done with him and that our relationship was over...I didn't need his half-a$$ed friendship...I deserved better than that and I was going to get better than that. She'd always say she was glad I was doing that...and then I'd go right back to him. I'm sure it was frustrating for her and there were probably several occasions where she wanted to beat the stupid out of me. (You know who you are if you're reading this.)
But then the weirdest thing happened to me...I got a phone call from one of my favorite musicians after my brother died...which had me on cloud 9 any time someone asked me about it. There was one time I got the courage to use his phone number and text him a thank you message. Which I have not used his number since nor will I ever use it again. But, he responded to me text message! Whaaat?? Pretty insane right?? Shortly after that Sam Bradley's latest EP came out and I bought it immediately on iTunes and listened to every track...especially 'Little Sister.'
And now I've lost you right? You're wondering 'where the heck is she going with this?' Well......at the time I wasn't getting responses to my text messages to that friend of mine. If he did respond it was very short and never anything to really respond back to...even though I tried. And then that musician responded to my text...like what the mess? How can a guy I've known for 8 years completely ignore me and yet this musician took a chance on me by calling me and responding to my text? How unimportant must I have been to that other guy? And then I listened to Sam Bradley's EP....and cried my eyes out to 'Little Sister.' Yeah...I'm one of those crying types of people. It's gotten a lot worse since my brother passed away. That song had me thinking that Sam just understood everything in my life. Here's a few lines from the song: "You're wasting your time waiting around..and that makes no sense at all." That song is just so amazing. It was written by him and his gorgeous (and super sweet) mother Lee Lindsey. After that I promised myself that I would stop being like that and forget about him. What does he matter? And, for the most part I've been really good at forgetting about him. I haven't sent him a text message since April/May..haven't tried to talk to him on Twitter or Facebook...ignore his rare posts on either site, etc.
The only thing I'm really holding onto is the thought process his "rejection" has caused me. I tried so hard to get him to see me as something other than a kid sister or one of the guys..and I always came up short. I know I'm not the skinniest girl or the prettiest one...but I feel like I had a lot to offer to him. I gave him every part of me that I could to try and get his attention on something other than friendship. How can my best not be good enough for someone like that..but turn around to be good enough for someone else? Does that make any kind of sense? I feel like I'm never going to be good enough for anyone. No matter how much time or energy I put into it.
I'm the only one out of my close friends from high school not married. I don't feel like I'm going to be taking the step to a serious relationship any time soon. I'm leaning closer to always being alone. That's easier right? I just have to live with myself and whatever animal I decide to pick. My friends say that one day I'll find someone and they'll be "perfect" (rolls eyes). I don't see that happening. I know I shouldn't be beating myself up like this..and I shouldn't keep that stupid boy in my thought process on all of this..but...I can't help it. It's just how my brain works now. I'm trying to get better about that..but it's hard. Rejection, even nonverbal, hurts like a mother trucker.
So, if you're reading this and are going through something similar...we're going to get through this! I believe in us. I have already made huge steps in getting out of that relationship...now I just need to work on keeping his past actions from determining how I look at things.
But until then, I'll just keep listening to 'Little Sister' and working on me.
To all those that had to deal with my stupid moments, I'm sorry. I hope you can forget about those days in the near future. ;)
I'm not posting a link to this on Facebook...because I don't want someone to read this and it work it's way back to him. And, even if he does read this...who cares? Everything is over and done with him.
Until next time! Love you all like mad!
XO
Kymber.
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