I'm sitting here in bed. Just got done working on some homework for one of my classes. Trying to figure out all this crazy mess that is going on in my head.
Let me start by saying that I am so happy for all of my friends who have been fortunate enough to find the ones that they want to get married to. I am. It makes me happy to see them happy. I get to be a bridesmaid in one of the weddings and I'm so excited! I love the dress and shoes that I have to have and even though I'm slightly afraid that I may fall down as I'm walking down the aisle I'm hopeful I won't. :) So, lots of people getting married and having kids and moving on with their lives. Which, is great. Honestly. But...then there's me. And the closest thing to a boyfriend I have is my pillow pet dolphin Jason gave me last year for Christmas....IE my night time cuddle buddy.
With everyone finding the one they're going to be married to...I just feel stuck. You know what I mean? Like everyone is moving and you're trying so hard to lift your feet and head in the same direction as everyone else..but you can't. You try calling out to someone...anyone..and still all you get is nothing? That's how I feel. Like I try to put myself out there and meet someone...even just someone to go on one date with and I come out with nothing.
Looking back on me in High School I totally understand why I had no dates. I can't believe how I looked back then. And that was only three years ago. But, now....I feel like all the effort I put into making myself somewhat presentable and "cute" leads me nowhere. Last year...I tried so hard to get this guy to go out with me...just to ask me out on one date. That's all I wanted. And then...well, it just didn't work and threw me for a loop when I found out he wasn't interested. Am I just making things up in my mind? Am I turning into one of those girls that I used to make fun of that is so desperate for any kind of attention?
I should be used to the disappointment that is the male species. Most of them will only disappoint you in the end. That's at least my experience with them. And, I try to remember an e-mail my Uncle sent me shortly before he died. He said this, " Please remember that there are good men out there." And now, I'm a blubbering mess because it's been forever since I have read that e-mail. But, I try to think that there are good men out there. I am shown often that there are. But, none of crossed my path. I see in my older brother all the time. He wasn't always the guy he is today. But, I know if I need him he'd be there for me. He is an amazing husband and father. I just wish I had someone that would look at me with even a 1/4 of the love and devotion my brother gives my sister in law.
Are my standards too high? Am I just going to be alone for the rest of my life? That's certainly how it feels. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have tried my best and come out empty handed.
Tonight's update is a little depressing..yes I know. I'm sorry. I just felt like I should get this off my chest. And I do feel a little better. Now, I'm going to cuddle up with Killer, my pillow pet, and watch Mean Girls. Because, well, let's face it....that movie sorta rocks.
Love you madly lovely readers! :)
XO
Kymber.
No comments:
Post a Comment